Hello Mary Sue!
by Muddie21
Summary: What happens when Mary Sue falls into Middle Earth, and then… meets another Mary Sue already there?
1. Enter Mary Sue!

_Title: Hello Mary Sue!_

_Summary: What happens when Mary Sue falls into Middle Earth, and then… meets another Mary Sue already there?_

_Disclaimer: All property of JRR Tolkien, the Great Mastermind! Oh, and this is for pleasure so if you don't like it, don't read it!_

_

* * *

_

_**It** all began with the forging of the Great Rings. Three were given to the Elves: Immortal, wisest, and fairest of all beings. Seven to the dwarf lords: Great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. Nine rings were gifted to the race of men, who above all else desire power. But in secret, one ring was made, a secret ring gifted to the most beautiful, smart, agile, strong, lovely, dainty, warrior-like, wizard, elf, hobbit, dwarf Mary Sue! _

_And just when we thought we were safe, it turns out, another secret ring was made! Gifted to the most beautiful, smart, agile, strong, lovely, dainty, warrior-like, wizard, elf, hobbit, dwarf Mary Sue! Not to be confused with the other Mary Sue of course. Ehm._

_For within these rings was bound the strength and will to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived. For yet another RING was made:gasp: In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a MASTER ring to control all others. And into this ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. One Ring to Rule them all…_

_

* * *

_

Elrond stood in his study looking over the waterfalls of Imladris, he had expected that the one ring would come to Imladris, but he knew the power of the Elves could not conceal its evil and sighed as he mulled over the problem. Just then a flash of lightening blinded the great Elf and he fell to the ground as something fell on top of him. He looked up and he breath was taken away from him as his eyes came into contact with the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. Instantly he passed out from the beauty of the girl he held in his arms.

Mary Sue stood up shakily, and lifted her dainty hand and brushed her beautiful, shiny, glittering, super straight, super sexy, super duper lovely hair out of her face. Her super sexy, super duper blonde hair glistened with highlights in the glittering sun. Yes, indoors.

Her dainty had flew to her throat and felt for the silver necklace that had a little ring attached to it. Then her big deep blue eyes turned to a fainted Elrond. She took one look at him and screamed. A dainty, ladylike, scream, obviously.

"Like, Oh my gosh! Its.. La, La, La… LORD ELROND! Omg, Stacie will never believe me when I tell her I'm like in… like MIDDLE EARTH!" she laughed, her laugh as alluring as the sparkle of the sun after the rain.

As Elrond came to and sat up shakily, his eyes caught glimpse of the most beautiful pair of pants he had ever laid eyes on. His keen eyes traveled up the pant legs up to a voluptuous chest, and higher still the most beautiful face. Even more beautiful, even more beautiful than Arwen's! He gasped as she held her dainty little hand out to him.

"Like, hi! Oh my god, like, I'm Mary!" He sighed. Her voice sounded like a beautiful harp, its sweet melody playing at his heart.

"Hello Mary, I am…"

"Lord Elrond! Like, I know!" Elrond looked at her, and then stood up on his own.

"Like, where's Legolas?" she peeled.

"Prince Legolas? well I believe he is getting ready to attend to some business…" Elrond stated finally able to break the trance the beautiful, alluring, sensual, lovely Mary had on him.

"Oh like, the uber secret council? Oh, can I like come?" Elrond raised his eyebrows at her and then took a step back.

"Council? How do you know of the council?" he fumed

"Oh my god, like a saw it in the movie, duh!" she placed her hand on his chest and tilled her beautiful head to the side. Her shiny, glittering, super straight, super sexy, super duper lovely hair fell to the side like a cascade of water off a waterfall. Elrond gasped at her beauty.

"What is this… movie you speak of?" He managed to get out

"Like, Lord of the Rings… duh! Silly elf."

Feeling powerless against her charm he nodded and led her to the porch where the council was to be held.

* * *

A/N: next chappie…ENTER MARY II! 


	2. Enter Mary Sue! Number Two!

"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite, or you will fall. Each race is bound this fate, this one doom. Bring forth the Ring, Frodo." Lord Elrond opened the council with these chilling words. But no one noticed, because everyone was so captivated by the beautiful, dainty, lovely, wonderful, voluptuous, sensual, radiant Mary.

Elrond sat down on his chair with his head in his hands. Everyone had fallen in love with Mary Sue. Her coming to Middle Earth was going to ruin everything. Sauron was going to take over Middle Earth and everyone would be too captivated by Mary to even notice! He sighed, frustrated. Just then, the unbelievable happened. A loud thunder clap sounded from the heavens and a girl fell out of the sky and landed in Aragorn's arms.

Her long shiny, beautiful, glistening, super straight, super duper sexy brown hair that shone with highlights in the sun covered her face and most of Aragorn's shoulders for that matter too. As the girl came too, her small dainty hand flew to her neck where she wore a silver necklace with a small ring attached to it.

Elrond's eyes grew wide as the girl took one look at Aragorn and jumped to her feet and started screaming, a lovely, dainty, lady-like scream. Most obviously… Like, Duh.

"Like, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! I'm like, so in love with you, like oh my god, since like the first movie, like I loved you! Oh my god, I'm like in MIDDLE EARTH! Oh! Ohmigosh! Where's Legolas?" She turned around and was met by a hard slap across the face.

The blonde Mary Sue was raging, "Like, who are you?"

The brunette Mary Sue looked at her in anger, "Like, what the hell is your, like, problem?" She slapped her back.

Blondie, screamed, a lovely, dainty, lady-like scream. Like totally. "Ohmigosh, like, Legolas is mine, back off bitch!"

The Brunette screamed back, a lovely, dain-… well you already know. Definitely. "Shut up, he, like, loves me more!"

"NO! He's mine!"

"Fine!" the brunette murmured. Then her big, deep green, like a lush forest, emerald sapphire, gem-like green eyes watered and she cried.

Everyone present felt there heart wrench for this beautiful, lovely, dainty, voluptuous, alluring girl. The world was saddened as she cried, the sun disappeared behind the clouds, and immediately everyone in her proximity rushed to hold her to his breast and murmur endearments to her.

Of course, Aragorn got to her first, and held her to him, as tears glistened in his eyes at seeing the beautiful maiden upset. After she calmed down, everyone was relieved and the sun shone upon Middle Earth once again.

Elrond took a deep breath and stood between the Blonde Mary Sue and the Brunette.

"What is your name, my dear child?" he asked; fear gripping him at the answer he already knew.

"My name? It's Mary!" she beamed and put her hand on his forearm and tilted her head to the side. Her shiny, glittering, super straight, super sexy, super duper lovely hair fell to the side like a cascade of water off a waterfall.

Elrond gave a wary glance heaven-ward.

The Blonde Mary screamed, a lovely…aw, whatever. "You like, stole my, like, NAME!" she lunged at the other Mary, who threatened to become hysterical again.

Legolas stood up and put his arms around the blonde Mary and spun her around.

"Mary, is it true that you love me? Is it true that your heart belongs to me?" She melted into his strong arms.

"Oh, Leggy-poo! YES!" She reached up to kiss his chin, but he had already taken her into a long, beautiful, romantic, lovely, soul warming, earth shattering kiss.

The other Mary spun around to look at Aragorn, who then proceeded to take her into a long, beautiful, uh… kiss.

Everyone in the council then stood up and started fighting. How could the Mary Sues love Legolas and Aragorn and not them? How could this happen!

Then Elrond stood up on his chair and screamed at everyone, a lovely, dainty… oh no, no, he just screamed. Yea.

"We are here to discuss the fate of the one ring! We cannot afford to be side tracked!" The Mary Sues helped to calm everyone down and then both chimed, "Yes, cause we totally have to cast the ring into the, like, fiery chasm from whence it came!" They both glared at each other and then took seats by their chosen beloveds.

"It is a gift! A gift to the foes of Mordor---" Boromir began, but he was promptly cut off by Mary Sue I & II.

"Boromir! No! Like, the ring must be destroyed!" Again they glared at each other.

"Shut up Blondie, that's like, my line!" Mary II heaved. A lovely, dainty, lady-like heave. I mean, would you expect anything else? Seriously.

"You ditsy pooey poo poo, you don't know anything about what happens, I like, watched the movies!" Mary I yelled. A lovely….ehm.

"HA! I totally watched the movies, and I like, read the books too!" Number II yelled back.

"Ha, you can't even, like read."

"Girls!" Elrond intervened, "We are getting side tracked again. Please, sit down."

"Oh, brother. I will take the ring to Mordor, if it will make them stop fighting." Frodo said.

Gandalf smirked. "I shall help you bear this burden Frodo Baggins, as long as it is yours to bear."

After another 2 hours of arguments that erupted from the two girls, 11 people stood before the council.

"11… So be it, you shall be…."

"Like, THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING!" the two girls screamed. (two lovely, dainty… oh I give up.)

* * *

A/N: Tune in next time for like, the Birdies of Dunland. 


	3. The Birdies of Dunland

_Yey! For my first two reviews! You guys are awesome! ElfLuver13 and Phantom'sJediBandieGirl you two are awesome! _

_The Birdies of Dunland…totally._

"**Y**ou know Aragorn; we must give those two girls different names, or we shall forever be calling upon the wrong girl!" Gimli whispered as he eyed the two girls who where at each other's throat again.

This time they were arguing over which movie was, like, better.

"It's unnatural Mr. Frodo. I mean all this yelling and what not. But still, they sound like two beautiful harps casting their beautiful voices into the wind." Sam sighed.

Frodo on the other hand, put his head in his hands and prayed that they would be silent. He contemplated leaving the camp, much like Boromir, Pippin and Merry had. He lay back against the tree and closed his eyes.

Eventually Gandalf had enough of their bickering.

"SILENCE CHILDREN OF MORGOTH!" he shouted and waved his hands in the air.

"I have an idea," Aragorn stated before one of the girls could open their mouths again, "Gimli, and I have decided to give you two girls different names, so that we do not confuse you any longer."

"Oh Gorny! Like, how could you like, confuse us? I'm like, the more beautiful one!" Said Mary II, whipping her long, super straight, super sexy, shiny, alluring… hair around her head. Her brown hair fell into its original place, like it was never moved. Aragorn was momentarily distracted by her beautiful, emerald, shining, deep pools of love...uh, I mean… green eyes.

Frodo kicked him and he was snapped out of his daze. That's when the other Mary Sue, grabbed the brunette and started hitting her. Suddenly, the glade they had stopped to rest in turned into a wrestling ring.

"I'll power bomb you!" Screeched Mary II.

"I know karate!" Screamed Mary I.

Boromir, Merry and Pippin returned to the glade and started sword play. Aragorn pried the two girls apart, and dragged Mary II with him to a rock and sat down.

"Fair lady, what do you think of the name, Eadocce?" Aragorn said thoughtfully

"Like, wow, like what does that mean, Gorny?"

"It's a Rohirric name. It means Water Lily, in common tongue. For you are as fair as a Water lily. Nay, a water lily pales in comparison to you, my love."

"Oh Gorny, I love it!" She stood up and looked around, clapping her dainty hands together. "Everyone, I have an announcement to like, make! My new name is like, um…Ea…um... like, what is it again Gorny?"

"Eadocce…"

"Like yea!"

The other Mary Sue glared at her. Legolas turned around and whispered in her ear something.

"Ohmigosh, I like have an announcement too! Like, my new name is, um…"

"Gwenel, melamin." Legolas slapped his hand to his face and turned around on the rock he was on. Something was quickly approaching them.

So Eadocce sat on a rock and began to comb her long, shiny, brown, super straight, super sexy hair, and Gwenel looked at her and cringed.

"Like, my hair is perfect. I like don't even hafta, like comb it, it's just awesome. Like, yea." Eadocce stuck her tongue out at her.

Just then both girls turned around and looked as Merry and Pippin threw Boromir on the ground.

"Ohmigosh, like the birdies are coming!" shrieked Eadocce.

"Ohmigosh, like Leggy poo! Hurry, we must like, hide!"

Just as the Fellowship scattered about the girls put on their biggest smiles ever. Their shiny, big, bright, sensual, lovely, alluring… um, teeth gave off a super duper white shine that blinded the birdies that where flying toward them. Merry rolled over and covered his eyes from the brightness, fearing that he was blind.

"Ohmigosh, what do you like, brush your teeth with?" Eadocce said turning to Gwenel

"Ohmigosh, like Crest for Kids!" Gwenel giggled.

"Ohmigosh like ME TOO!"

After the Fellowship blinked out the dots in their vision, they stood up dazed.

"Ohmigosh, those birdies are, like, watching us!" said Gwenel.

"EW, you ditzy blonde. That's like totally not the line---" Eadocce was cut off quickly.

"SILENCE!" boomed Gandalf. "Spies of Saruman. The passage south is being watched. We must take the pass of Caradhras."

"Oh, pookie," Gwenel turned to Gandalf with a not-so-blinding-smile, "The little, like, shire people… um, things will like die! And like all that snow is like not good for my skin!"

Eadocce decided to launch her own attack on um… pookie. "Oh Gandalf, I'm like a

See-er, of like, the future! And I like, totally see us taking the road to the Tombs of like, Moria!"

Gimli roared, "Tombs! That is the home of my pe---"

"SILENCE!" Gandalf yelled.

Gwenel looked at Eadocce rolled her eyes, "They don't know it's a like, a tomb, 'cause we didn't get to that part of the like, movie…"

"Like, this isn't the like, movie, duh!" Gwenel made to slap Eadocce, but she dodged it quickly.

Eadocce whipped her hair about her again, in order to draw attention to her, but then something… horrible, like, happened!

Her long, shiny, lovely, super straight, super sexy, glistening hair, whipped around her face and because of its alluring, sexy, length, she tripped.

"Like, Ohmigosh! That's like never, like happened! I'm like, too perfect for that!" Just then Gwenel could be seen giggling.

"You, like, bitch! You tripped me!" The girls flew at each other, and Leggy and Gorny ran to their respective… um… sue-mates.

**O**ver at the wall of the Mines the Sues fluttered around the fellowship throwing out advice.

"Like, Merry you like, totally should not throw rocks at the creepy water." Gwenel shook her head as she spoke, and Merry was entranced with her beauty to the point that he stood in a dreamlike haze.

Meanwhile Eadocce was fluttering around Gandalf trying to get him to stop shouting at her.

"But pookie, I like, totally know the like, um super secret unlocking the door key word!"

Then both Sues ran to the gate and began to glow a bright white and they held hands and faced the door.

Gandalf sat on the nearest fallen log.

"Like, um, Mellon!" The doors jerked, momentarily confused, then groaned open.

"Okay like, this is a tomb, we should make for the Gap at Rohan!" announced Gwenel.

"Ohmigosh, I totally need to get that vest that they had on sale, uber sexy!" chirped Eadocce.

"Ohmigod, can you like, say stoopid! The gap at Rohan is not, like, THE GAP… duh!"

"It's called the gap of Rohan…" Boromir said looking cross.

The Sues rolled their eyes and then Gwenel was grabbed by a slimy hand.

"Like, you got the wrong person!" she yelled as she was hoisted into the air.

The fellowship fell silent as they watched the beauty get hoisted in the air. Gimli, looking hopeful turned to Pippin, "You don't think it'll eat her laddie?"

Her long, shiny, glistening in the sun- yes in the dark- hair swept the top of the creature's nose and he SNEEZED!

The impact of the sneeze sent Gwenel crashing against the stone door and sent boogers flying out like giant green slime over the fellowship. Everyone screamed and ran into the Mine.

" We have no…" Gandalf began, as Leggy Peggy poo picked Gwenel up and rocked her in his slimy arms, and then Eadocce continued for Gandalf…

"Like no other way but to go through the like, tombs. Oh, and my magical ring of power can like magically make all this like, um, poo-poo-ness like disappear!"

She removed her necklace and put the ring on. "Oh princess fairy power puff dust, I command the nastiness to go bye bye!" And just like that, the 'poo-poo-ness' disappeared. Like totally.

Gandalf walked over to Eadocce and grabbed her hand. "You have a magic ring?"

"Like totally! Oh my gosh, like you can't be a good Mary Sue unless you like have one! Duh, pookie! You like magically get it when you like fall into Middle Earth. I totally read about it on this like website on the internet, oh pookie don't give me that face, you know INT-TER-NET… like duh… yea so I like totally read about it on this website called um.. Like, fan fiction. Totally." Gandalf shook his head, and then walked away.

A/N: Poor fellowship, they are going to kill those Sues… Like, totally. Tune in next time, for like… Roggy Rog.


	4. Roggy!

_A/N: I must tell you how much I, like, Love Elfluver13! Like, A LOT! totally\_

_

* * *

_  
Poo-poo-ness free, the fellowship traveled the long and dark of Moria. Long where the halls, and dusty, and smelly. And the Fellowship was informed of this the whole way… all of it…

"Oh Gorny, it's hot, and it smells." Eadocce chided. Aragorn, who is usually captivated by his lovely, dainty, beautiful, allure… ehm, sue mate was feeling gloomy. On the other hand, Gwenel was walking next to Legolas talking animatedly about, like, how the fellowship should color, like, coordinate their wardrobes.

Legolas, who wasn't really listening to her, was more concerned with how shiny, long and glittering her hair was. As she talked her hair swayed with the movements of her head, and he was hypnotized by it. Suddenly Legolas, who was looking down at Gwenel's sparkling, long, sexy, super straight, super blonde hair, with highlights, and… well, he got distracted and walked into a wall. BANG!

Everyone turned around to see Legolas rubbing his temple and starting around in wonder. Elves don't usually walk into… anything…

Gimli snorted, "Well laddie, looks like that girl is getting the ehrm, hrm, _like_, best of you!" Everyone in the fellowship started laughing, except the Sues who completely missed the joke.

"Hmm, I can't remember the way from here…" Gandalf sat down at the nearest rock formation.

"Like, follow your nose, where ever it goes!" Gwenel shrieked and started running around Gandalf with her arms stretched out at her sides like she was a flying bird.

"Ohmigosh, shhh! You like, have to let him figure out, he's going to die soon anyway." Eadocce rolled her eyes.

"Die!" Gandalf managed to choke out.

"Yea pookie," Gwenel stopped before him and kneeled down. She put her dainty little hand on his cheek and tilted her head. Her long, shiny, super sexy, better-than-your-hair-is hair fell off to the side of her face.

"Pookie, you gonna go bye-bye. The mean Balrog is going to kill you." Gandalf's eyes grew wide, and Eadocce got up and started walking down some stone steps.

"Can we, like, get this over with? Like, it's this way!" She chided and bounced down the steps. Everyone reluctantly followed.

"Gimli!" the Sues chided "Like, don't go wandering off, it's like, not advised."

"Yea Gimli, like, Hoondin son of Fundin is dead anyway." Eadocce said her eyes full with sorrow.

"But like I can totally save him with my like, magical ring!" Gwenel chimed.

Gimli walked between the two girls pondering who Hoondin was, until they came upon a hall and Gimli broke off and ran into a side room.

"Here lies Balin son of Fundin, Lord of Moria. He is dead then, it is as I feared." Gimli kneeled on the ground and cried.

"Poor Dooorrf!" mumbled Gwenel. "I resur--- resur—um... make him alive again!" She took her ring off her necklace and then closed her eyes tightly.

"Oh Aphrodite! Peachy plum tulips! Sugar, honey and Molasses! Make this Doorf alive—um… Yea!" Everyone looked at her and then at the tomb. Nothing happened. She looked around and then tried again.

"Oh silver hearts and cherry coke! Power puff girls and Care bears! By the power of my ONE RING, I bid you LIVE!" a large sound of thunder sounded through the cave. Then drums, drums in the deep!

"Ohmigod, you woke the orcs! You whore!" Eadocce screeched.

Suddenly the two girls opened their mouths wide and shiny teeth and glare engulfed the tiny room. The Glare shone through the door blinding the orcs. Everyone started running around and screaming, including Gandalf and Legolas. I mean leggy peggy poo.

"The Bridge of DOOM!" yelled Gwenel.

"It's! Called! Khazad! Dum!" panted Gimli as he ran behind Frodo.

They had only gotten into the hall way when a large rumbling noise came about. A Balrog stepped out of the dark and the hall brightened by his fiery glow.

"Ohmigosh, that totally looks like my ex boyfriend!" snapped Eadocce.

"Like, you dated someone that looked like that?" Gwenel gasped.

"Roggy! Roggy is that you! What the hell are you doing here you jackass!" Eadocce started running toward the Balrog waving her fist in the air. Aragorn looked aghast as she ran _toward_ the Balrog, the _opposite_ direction everyone else was running.

"My love, where are you going!" Aragorn turned toward her to see her come to a stop in front of the Balrog.

"Roggy! How dare you follow me to Middle Earth you STALKER! I'm going to call the police, and get a like, RESTRAINING ORDER!"

"Merry! What's a restraining order?" Pippin whispered

"I dunno Pipp, it might be when someone ordered to restrain someone. Tie them up…" Merry suggested.

"I think its something unnatural! Like an order to magically bind someone!" Sam whispered

"Bind! Like the Elves do? Do you think she is trying to bind with that thing?" Legolas questioned, suddenly very afraid.

"Roggy! I am so like angry at you!" the sue screamed.

The Balrog simply looked sheepish and bent down to get a closer look at the girl before it. Then he let out a loud growl in attempt to scare the girl.

"You still haven't brushed your teeth you filthy, like, thing! I hate you!" Suddenly the Balrog roared again and everyone started running toward the bridge again, this time including Eadocce.

When they finally reached the bridge and everyone crossed, Gandalf tried to deny the Balrog passage across the bridge. Everyone stood in fear watching the Balrog and Gandalf. Everyone but the two girls.

"I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor! The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun! Arrghh! Go back to the Shadow! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" And with that the Balrog stepped onto the bridge and Gandalf fell with the Balrog.

The fellowship broke down in tears as they ran out of the Mines of Moria. Eadocce bounced with glee looking out toward Lothlorien.

"We have to like, move! We must get to Lothlorien, like, fast!"

"She is right, on your feet Sam!" Aragorn said pulling Sam to his feet.

"Give them a moment for pity's sake!" Boromir shouted.

"By nightfall these hills will be swarming with Orcs. We must reach the woods of Lothlorien. Come Boromir. Legolas, Gimli, get them up." Aragorn answered.

"Yea, like, Haldir is a hot Elf! Mmm, mmm! I'm going to bag him!" bounced Eadocce.

Aragorn turned to her in surprise and she moved to him quickly, "Gorny, I mean, that I'm going to bag you!"

* * *

A/n: Not a good one, but wait till the sexay Haldir enters stage! 


	5. Dancing in Lorien

_I heart you Elfluver13! I also heart Emo Aniron and Phantom'sJediBandiegirl, you guys are like…Awesome. Like totally._

_

* * *

_

They ran without rest, or food for hours until they finally reached the borders of the Golden Wood. Both sues were bouncing off trees in glee.

Legolas observed them staring up through the trees and running about.

"Stay close young hobbits!" Gimli started, only to be cut off by the sues simultaneously shouting, "YOU BREATHE TOO LOUD!" and erupting into fits of giggles.

Then, the much awaited appearance of a certain March Warden came to a close.

"The Dwarf breathes so loud, we could've shot him in the dark." The tall elf said.

"HALDIR!" both girls screamed. Eadocce darted toward him and threw herself into his arms.

"Oh, Hal-hal. You are so sexy, your elf ears make me want to shag you senseless!" Haldir's eyes widened at the fresh girl in his arms. But as his eyes traced over her features, the March Warden was lost to sanity.

"My lady, you are fairest of all, my heart is devoted to thee." He breathed, in a dreamy haze. Eadocce batted her lashes as her little ring glowed a hot pink.

"Oh Hal, who you do anything for me?"

"YES!"

"Do the Macarena!" Haldir looked confused for a second and then he…started dancing the Macarena! Somewhere deep in the forest the fellowship could hear the Macarena being played as Haldir danced to it.

Then Gimli started screaming and beating his head to the nearest tree.

He looked up to the sky and yelled, "Hey! Hey lassie writing this story?"

"Yes Gimli?"

"Well lass, I was hoping ya could have one of these sues die, somewhere along the storyline…"

"Gimli, if one of the sues die she will return to middle earth more powerful than she was before. She will be more Elf/Hobbit/Wizard/Dwarf! You surely do not want that?"

"I just want ta have some reprieve from the insanity! Look at this one… She's got the princling tripping all over himself! And this one! She has Aragorn wrapped around her little finger! He loves Arwen, that Elf-Lass! This cannot be the fate of middle earth lassie; you have the power to change this!"

"And what would you have me do Gimli?"

"Who are you talking to Gimli?" Legolas said, looking quite confused

"If ya don't mind master elf, _I_ am having a conversation about those… devils, with the author of the story…" Gimli huffed.

"Author? Gimli, have you been at the ale again?"

"You will come with me!" Haldir interrupted just as Gimli and Legolas looked about ready to exchange blows.

"I'm taking you to the lady Galadriel. Let's go!" Haldir marched the fellowship through tree and wood, water and land. Aragorn loomed behind in pain. How could Eadocce not be faithful to him?

They had all finally reached Galadriel's flet and they all stood awaiting the queen's arrival.

As Galadriel glided down the flight of the ethereal glowing stairs her eyes fixed the two sues.

They had bowed and were waiting to start talking. Celeborn stood beside his wife his eyes affixed on the two sues. He, unlike all others, was unaffected by their charms.

"10 there are…"

"But like, 11 set out from Rivendell!" finished Eadocce. Haldir gave a dreamy sigh.

"You, like, want to know where Gandalf is, cause you like, wanna talk to him?" Gwenel suggested.

Celeborn let out a short explicative in elvish and resumed silence.

Galadriel stood watching the girls intently.

"Like, he has fallen into shadow." Eadocce said, turning to Gwenel with a nod

"For we ventured needlessly into the doom, of Khazad DOOM!" Gwenel said, her eyes getting bigger with each word.

Galadriel who had enough of the two girls flew down the steps and grabbed them and lifted them off the ground.

"You two have completely ruined the events that I have foreseen!" She bellowed

Legolas stood in shock as the queen continued her tirade.

"And how dare you even think to seduce my March Warden, after you have seduced Aragorn!" She roared at Eadocce.

"Your presence in middle earth will be its ruin! If the fellowship fails, children of Morgoth, know this now, I swear on Nenya your death will be a slow and painful one!"

She dropped the two girls on the ground and took a step back. The girls each stood up and started brushing of their clothes.

"That like totally didn't happen in the movie." Gwenel said.

"Like yea, she was supposed to go all radioactive on Frodo… 'TERRIBLE AS THE DAWN! TREACHEROUS AS THE SEA! STRONGER THAN THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE EARTH!' like, whatever." Eadocce said rolling her eyes.

Galadriel took once threatening step towards the girls and both fell on the ground in fear. It seemed for a moment Haldir was snapped out of his trance. But, it was not so.

After the fellowship had been led to a glade to sleep, Haldir snuck down to see Eadocce again.

Aragorn was angered and stood up and yelled at Haldir. "She loves me ELF! Stay away!"

Haldir looked… besmirched… and then shrugged at Aragorn. "Listen, _mortal_, you have Arwen, so leave my Eadocce alone!"

"Arwen? Who's Arwen? I challenge you to a dance contest! The winner, like, gets Eadocce's heart." Aragorn retorted.

Little did he realize how the clearing received his statement. Gimli choked on his pipe, Boromir fell off the rock he was sitting on, Pippin moved closer to Merry and Sam. And Frodo stood up his mouth agape. Legolas looked terrified.

"Strider, sir. Do you realize you said… _like_?" Sam whispered lightly.

"What?" Aragorn questioned.

Just then 'Everybody Dance Now' started playing in the deep of the wood and Aragorn started dancing circles around Haldir. Haldir joined in and the Sues squealed. So did Gimli, but his squeal had something to do with his throwing up.

Galadriel heard the noise in the glade and came rushing down to see what was happening. Haldir stopped dead in the middle of a hip shake and looked aghast at the queen.

They all, I mean, _all_ got to see the radioactive queen… again.

It was not long before the Lothlorien elves tied up the Mary Sues and threw them into boats and kicked the fellowship out of the golden wood. But first they all got presents.

"GORNY!" Eadocce yelled.

"Yes, cheating lover?"

"Untie me love."

"Will you cheat on me again? Perhaps this time with Gimli? What about Eomer?"

"EOMER!" Gwenel screamed, "He's like, the hottest man EVER!"

It was Legolas who responded this time. "Fair maiden, if you wish me to dance for you in order to win your heart from Eomer, than I think I should throw you overboard now, and not wait for you to wrench my heart from my living body."

Everyone was getting tired of the Sues, and Gimli still prayed for their deaths.

* * *

A/N: Hmm that was hard to write because I am running out of material! 


	6. Who's Line Is It Anyway?

_Gimli's Prayers Are Answered_

_

* * *

_

They finally brought their boats ashore and untied the Sues. Eadocce was angry with Aragorn because he hadn't untied her until they had reached shore. Overall though, the group was alright, except a little hungry.

Gwenel looked around her and then turned to Eadocce, "Hey loser isn't this like, where Merry and Pippin are taken, and like, Boro-on-the-morrow dies?"

Boromir looked up from his place on the ground and contemplated killing her.

Eadocce punched the blonde in her arm and shook her head. Gwenel shook her head and looked around.

"Where's Frodo?" Pippin asked. There was dead silence as the encampment realized that Boromir was also missing. The two sues took off in a dead run to find Frodo and stop what was about to happen.

But too late they were. Hordes of fighting Urak-hai had already stormed the clearing and they were going after Frodo!

Gwenel pulled out her fairy knife-sword that gleamed with the light of the Sun. She twirled around, much like sailor moon. Then Eadocce used her super special shiny teeth attack.

The Urak were temporarily stunned, but then the leader stepped through the masses and pointed an arrow at Eadocce. Gwenel let out a gasp and put her super magical ring on.

"Um! Like peachy power puff milkshake! Make that arrow into a… a cupcake!" Eadocce looked at Gwenel and snorted.

"Cupcake?" Eadocce snorted a lovely, dainty, lady-like… well you already know.

Unfortunately the spell didn't work and the arrow pierced Eadocce's side. The Urak-hai then reloaded his arrow and pointed it at the girl again.

"Like, DARO!" Gwenel yelled. Another arrow into Eadocce.

"Um. Oh magical fairy princess! Save us! Like, turn that Urak-hai into something cute and cuddly!" Suddenly a pink cloud of fairy dust formed around all the Uraks and then it sparkled and sparkled until it faded.

"Like, OOOOOO! Bunnies!"

Gwenel rushed and picked up the bunnies, but then the sun disappeared behind some clouds. Gwenel looked at Eadocce who lay dying on the field.

The horn of Gondor magically appeared out of no where, and Gwenel emitted three short bursts of sound from it.

Legolas, Aragorn, Merry, Pippin, Gimli and Boromir rushed through the trees and stood looking around. They all ran toward a dying Eadocce. Suddenly the bunnies went crazy and started rushing Pippin and Merry. The Bunnies carried Pippin and Merry away, but nobody noticed.

Aragorn was bent over Eadocce with tears in his eyes. Eadocce looked at him and then sighed.

"Like, where's Frodo?" She said as blood rushed out of her sides.

"I let Frodo go." Aragorn cried.

"Then you did what, like, I could not! I tried to take it! I tried to like, take the ring from Frodo!" Eadocce gasped.

"Like, you liar, that is totally Boromir's line. You totally did not try to take the ring!" Gwenel shouted as she turned to Boromir.

"Like it should be you that is dying you… MAN!" Boromir took a step back and toppled over Gimli who was doing victory dance and praising this… 'author' whom he spoke of.

Eadocce looked around then gasped again, "I leave my ring, to you Gorny, my lover, my friend. I leave my collection of Lisa Frank stickers to you Gwenel, cause you would like totally appreciate them. I leave my Crest for Kids toothpaste to you Gimli, because you need to like brush your teeth. And like, Gandalf will return, so like, don't carry the weight of the dead. And the sun will shine again, it just looks like its gonna rain right now."

Aragorn let out a sob he'd been holding in.

"I do not know what strength is in my blood. But I swear to you, I will not let the White City fall. Nor our people fail." Aragorn sobbed.

"What does she have to do with the White City? Our People? Don't you mean _our_ people? As in mine and yours? Hello?" Boromir questioned.

Eadocce struggled to remember the lines. Gwenel stood on her tips toes to catch her attention. Eadocce turned to her and then nodded. She looked back at Aragorn.

"Like, our people. Our people." She nodded.

Gwenel gave a sob and fell to her knees. "Oh, Boromir! Why must you die?"

Boromir looked around bewildered, "But I am right here! 'Tis not I who dies!"

Eadocce spoke again, "I would have followed you, my brother. My captain. My king."

She closed her eyes and passed away. Aragorn gave out another sob and kissed her brow, "Be at peace son of Gondor." He whispered.

Eadocce cleared her throat and opened one eye, "Um..."

"I mean, Daughter of Gondor." Aragorn corrected. "They will look for her return in the White City, but she will not return."

"I'm right here!" Boromir shouted.

"Boromir, you need not shout, we all see you." Aragorn reprimanded.

Gimli started jumping around and then turned to Gwenel and rubbed his hands together with an evil gleam in his eyes.

"We must follow Merry and Pippin, because… um…" Aragorn seemed lost for words.

"We cannot abandon them to torment and like, death!" Gwenel yelled.

"What do we do with Eadocce's body?" Legolas asked.

"Leave it. She will not be far along, we will see her again." Gwenel answered.

"Lets hunt some Orc!" Aragorn roared.

"Bunnies!" Gwenel corrected.

* * *

A/N: lol, wow, I messed up that scene. Ahah. 


	7. BLEEEP!

_Bleeping Sues!

* * *

_

_I love my reviewers cause they are like…awesome..

* * *

_

Gwenel ran along with the other members of the Fellowship and wondered what it would be like if she could censor the Fellowships words, like they did in Jerry Springer back home.

She laughed as she put her plans into action. She would yell "Bleeep!" Every time someone said something.

"Legolas! What do you're Elf---"Aragorn began

"BLEEEP!" Gwenel yelled, and laughed menically.

Aragorn shrugged and returned his attention to Legolas. "See?"

Legolas looked at the horizon and then turned to Aragorn.

"The Uraks—er… Bunnies turn---"

"BLEEEP!"

"They turn…"

"BLEEEP!"

"NORTH!"

"BLEEEP!"

Aragorn and Legolas turned toward the girl and started walking towards her.

"What is---"Aragorn started

"Bleep." She said nonchalantly.

"…with you?" he finished, his sentence lost.

"BLEEEP!"

"Gwenel!" Legolas yelled

"BLEEEP!" she yelled in response.

Aragorn turned away from her, then turned back, "WHAT ARE YO—"

"BLEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"

Legolas looked bewildered just as Gimli and Boromir caught up to them.

"Dwarves are wasted over cross---"

"BLEEEP!"

Gimli looked at that girl stunned.

"Come, Gimli---"

"BLEEEP!"

"WE—"

"BLEEP!"

"MUST---"

"BLEEEP!"

"MOVE!" Legolas shouted between the bleeps.

"BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"

They all took off in a run toward the Uraks, I mean bunnies, and dared not whisper a word in fear of being 'bleeped'.

Suddenly the fellowship came about the Riders of the Mark.

"What news---"

"BLEEEEEP!"

The riders turned around and encompassed the fellowship.

"What business do—"

"I-LOVE-YOU-BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" shrieked Gwenel.

Eomer turned to the girl and raised an eyebrow.

"What are yo---?"

"BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"

Eomer unsheathed his sword, "I would kill yo------------"

"BLEEP!" yelled Gwenel, looking nervous.

"SILEN-------"

"BLEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" Legolas clapped a hand over the girls' mouth and looked up at Eomer.

"What business do you have in the Riddermark?" Eomer stated to Aragorn. He still had his eyes fixed at the girl who despite the hand clapped over her mouth was still shouting.

"BL-MMMFFFFF!"

"BL-MMFFFFFFFF!"

Soon everyone was annoyed at Gwenel so Eomer grabbed her and kissed her. Too shut her up, of course. By no way was he attracted to her. At all. No way. After he broke the kiss, his eyes meet hers for a brief second, and then…

"_BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"_

Legolas clapped his hand on her mouth again, looking very aggravated at Eomer. "Take these horses and go away, I no longer wish to hear her wails!"

"_BLLLLLLLLL-MMMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!_"

Legolas gagged her and threw her on a horse, and they all rode to a distant smoke cloud that was the Late Bunny-Uraks.

Gwenel lay across Legolas's knees, facing the ground struggling with her gag. Eomer mounted his horse and turned around, "Do not trust or hope…"

Then Gwenel jumped up, but failed because of Legolas's hand holding her down and shouted, _"MMMFFFF, FFMMOMMM MFFF! BL-MFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!"_

Eomer led the Eorlingas away from the crazy girl.

* * *

A/N: I just felt like writing a chapter like this. I dunno why, but I thought it was funny. 


	8. Saruman err, Gandalf!

_Dear Reviewers you are amazing… I love you Dahlings. On Wif Zee Storiee!

* * *

_

They rode for a few hours until they reached the burning smoke stack. It was a heartfelt moment for the whole fellowship. It was also one of the hardest moments. They had lost Gandalf, Eadocce and now Merry and Pippin. The fellowship was broken and everyone was upset… except of course Gwenel, who stood next to the trees of Fanghorn Forest and waited patiently for Aragorn looked at her. She began to tap her foot as she turned to the forest and looked in.

"Like maybe Merry and Pippin aren't _too_ deep in the forest of, um… talking trees that I can like, spot them. Yea, totally." She whispered to herself.

Legolas and Aragorn came up to her and looked at her.

"My love? Do you see something in the forest?" Legolas cooed.

"Like, Merry and Pippin tracks! I mean, like, hobbit tracks!" Gwenel smiled at the group standing around her.

"Have ya missed everything that Aragorn has said? Everything up to the part, 'Their tracks led into Fanghorn'?" Gimli snorted.

Gwenel darted him a dirty look and then walked into the forest.

"Like stay close young hobbits! They say these woods are… oh, like wrong scene! Um, this is like, where we meet up with um, like… Gandalf!" Aragorn looked at the human girl and then turned around again.

"Gimli, hold down your axe… This forest can feel… and it is angered by your, like, stance." Gwenel mumbled dumbly. Everyone stood alert when the trees started making groaning sounds.

"Aragorn, something is out there." Legolas whispered.

Aragorn stood alert and then walked up a few paces. "What do you see?"

"The white Wizard approaches." Legolas answered.

"Do not let him speak. He will put a spell on us. We must be quick!" Aragorn drew his sword.

Gwenel leaned against a tree, "Gorny, my friend, you don't have to like… do that."

Suddenly a flash of white light and a girl stepped out from behind a tree. She was closely followed by an older man.

"Like, what took you so damn long you dirty hoe!" yelled Gwenel.

Eadocce, now clothed in white looked down at Aragorn, Gimli, Boromir, Legolas and Gwenel. She smiled, "Hello Fellowship. You track the footsteps of two hobbits…"

"Eadocce… that is my line. That will be enough of you." The wizard said as he stepped out from behind the girl.

"Eadocce… yes, Eadocce that was my name… I am Eadocce the White… whereas before I was only Eadocce. So from now on I should be known as Eadocce the White, although I will permit you to call me Eadocce, due to the fact that it is a shorter name. Also, I do not wish you to fear me, for I am your friend, as I have been sent back to finish my quest." She shone with an ethereal glow and everyone sighed.

Gandalf got exasperated with the child and pushed her out of the way. "You are tracking the footsteps of two hobbits."

"Where are they?" Aragorn said.

"They passed this way the day before yesterday. They met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you?" He said.

"Who are you? Show yourself!" Aragorn questioned.

Gandalf then stepped out from the light and showed his face.

"Gandalf! So you too have returned from beyond the grave!" Gwenel sighed, "Like, Did ya really have to bring him too?" She moaned looking at Eadocce.

Eadocce had turned her eyes to Aragorn. "Elessar my love… Come to me and let us talk of the things to…like, come. For I have totally seen it."

Aragorn gasped. "Y—you died…" She placed her hand delicately on his forehead.

"And now, I am here. Now, I must save middle earth, and then we can have all the babies you wish to make my love."

Gimli stood aghast. "He will have no babies with you, you… She- Devil! He loves Arwen! Arwen of Rivendell! You remember her laddie, don't you?" He turned pleading eyes on Aragorn who stood there in deep thought.

"HRM!" Gandalf cleared his throat. Everyone turned their attention back to the Wizard.

"I am Saruman…"

"No silly, you're like... Gandalf the white..." Gwenel corrected.

Gandalf looked angry, but then started again. "I am Saruman…" Eadocce turned a critical eye on him.

"No! You are Gandalf."

"Hrm. I am Saruman, or rather Saruman as…."

"No you stupid wizard, you are GANDALF." Eadocce yelled.

Gandalf looked a little angrier than he had earlier, then once more started his lines. "I am Saruman or rather Saruman as he sh—"

"GANDALF! _GAN—DALF!" _shouted Gwenel and Eadocce in unison.

"SILENCE TERRIBLE ONES!" Yelled Gandalf--- err Saruman.

He began again, "I am Saruman or rather Saruman as he…"

"Listen you wizard with an identity crisis, you are Gandalf the Grey, you died, and so the Valar sent you back as Gandalf the White…"

Gandalf quirked an eyebrow, "Yes, Saruman as he—"

"_GANDALF!" _the girls yelled.

"Should have been…" Gandalf said.

Aragorn looked tired so he suggested they take their leave. "Should we not go to find the hobbits?"

"No! Like, they have to wake the talking trees! Duh." Gwenel said with a slapto her head.

Eadocce on the other hand remained quiet.

"We must ride to Edoras; King Théoden is in need of our help." Gandalf spoke.

"Yes, and Eomer is in need of my…. Bed –expertise…" Eadocce smiled.

"Nay sister Sue, for he has already received my…" Everyone gasped as Gwenel said, "_BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"_

"Omg, like Jerry Springer?" Eadocce squealed.

"Like Omg, yea." Gwenel said.

So they all came forth from the forest and a white horse ran at them, full speed.

"OMG! It's a rabid horse!" Shrieked Gwenel.

"Fear not Fellowship! For I shant let another of you fall!" Eadocce whipped out a bow and arrow, out of thin air, and then shot the arrow. Unfortunately for him, Boromir stepped in the way of the arrow as it shot clean through his heart, and entered the Mearas Shadowfax, killing them both instanteously.

"No!" Gandalf fell to his knees. "That was…my… best friend! You killed KENNY, you asshole!" Gandalf shouted.

"Um… no, that wasn't Kenny, and you aren't Cartmen! What are you talking about that rabid beast almost killed us all!" Eadocce yelled in protest.

"Boromir!" yelled Aragorn dropping on his knee beside his friend.

Boromir opened his eyes, returning from death briefly. "I was wondering when you would notice me!" He gasped.

"Boromir, do not die."

"Where is Frodo?" Boromir asked.

"Boromir, remember we let him go!" Aragorn replied.

"Then you did what I could not! I tried to take it from him! I tried to take the ring from Frodo!" He sputtered blood.

"Like, those lines where totally already used… Like, get original… sheesh." Eadocce said, standing indignant.

Boromir sputtered more blood. "Leave it! It is over. The world of Men will fall. And all will come to darkness, my city to ruin."

"Leave what my friend?" Aragorn asked.

Boromir looked frustrated then sighed again. "I would have followed you my brother. My captain, my king!" He closed his eyes, and laid his head to the side.

Aragorn stood up looking bewildered. "Will he too come back from death?" he questioned.

"Nay, he is dead. We should give him a proper burial." Gwenel said, looking distant.

After burying Boromir, the remaining members tried to comfort Gandalf for his loss of a horse.

"Like, Pookey, I'll totally buy you another one!" Eadocce protested.

"Fool of Mortal, BANE OF MIDDLE EARTH! He was the FATHER OF HORSES!" Gandalf bellowed.

Eadocce cowered a bit, and then smiled. "Like, whatever."

"Yea, like, let's get to Edoras, I'm hungry." Gwenel chimed.

They made their way toward Edoras all in wrapped up in their own thoughts.

* * *

A/N: What do ya think ya'll? 


	9. Fairly Fair Green Eggs and Ham

_Yey! For Reviews. I've started working on another Mary Sue Basher; it should be up in the next week dears!

* * *

_

Eadocce floated on her ethereal legs all the way to Edoras. It dearly upset Gwenel because she hadn't yet received the passage to become Gwenel the White, who was in all being stronger than simply Gwenel. She was more beautiful, more elf-like, and more dwarf-like, (although how an elf-dwarf would be beautiful, only a Mary Sue would know) more wizard-like, more hobbit-like, and more um… Super Sue-like.

Eadocce turned around and looked at Gorny and sighed. She floated over to him and smiled.

"Gorny, you will be king one day when this is all over and all will love you." She cooed.

He looked at her and smiled. "That is not what I was thinking of… I worry for Frodo, and Sam. We parted ways without even goodbyes and I wish for them to be alright. They carry heavy burdens upon their shoulders."

Eadocce was touched, and therefore remained silent. Gwenel on the other hand was silent for a different reason entirely.

-_How can I speed up my coming to Gwenel the White? - _She thought, angry at Eadocce.

_-I should try to kill myself, for put myself in danger, therefore injuring myself, and like, die! Oh, death is like, icky! But I must like, undergo this… um, trial before I can become the magnificent Gwenel! But I, unlike Eadocce, shall make all bow to me, and love me and like, I will help Frodo to destroy the ring! After all, I'm like the smarter one!- _

Gwenel looked up as they reached the walls of Edoras. She watched as a maiden disappeared into the fiery hall and then looked around her to see that the fellowship had arrived at the inner gate.

Gandalf quickly bought them passage into the halls of Théoden King.

"Grima Wormtonuge!" yelled Gwenel, setting her plans into motion. Gandalf spun around to her looking quite angry, but then Grima stepped out from behind the King's seat and smiled.

"I have long expected you, Mary Sue, to come and destroy my plans. But I have also long been prepared for your treachery, wicked Sue!" everyone gasped as Grima used her name that was thought to be unknown.

Gwenel pulled her Pink bow from the folds of her cloak, gifted to her by the Lady Galadriel, the Elf queen herself. But put on her by the sexy hands of Haldir…. Mm mm… She pulled out an arrow and fired it.

Gwenel, a Mary Sue, had the archery abilities of the great elves themselves and her arrow flew with the speed of the Valar into its target.

Grima's foot. "Like! Don't make me kill you, you evil do-er of EVIL!" She yelled.

Eadocce's white robes fluttered around her as she swept beside Gwenel, her long dark hair following about her, shining with the exuberance of the sun.

"I am Eadocce the White, and this is the Fellowship of the Ring! You shall obey me and drop your weapons evil Grima, um… like... NOW!" She bellowed with an air of importance.

"Child, we are not the fellowship of the ring. We have not been since its breaking when Frodo left." Gandalf muttered as he stepped forward and turned to Théoden on the throne.

"Tell me King Théoden… how fair you?" Gandalf smiled.

"Like that's not the line loser. The line is, 'the courtesy of your hall is somewhat lessened of late, Théoden-King' Like, duh." Gwenel said, exasperated.

Gandalf sighed. "Fool of a Sue! Next time you correct me I will knock your head against the wall and hurt you!"

Everyone turned to Gwenel, who in turn looked at Grima. "Wormtongue! Breath your last breathe for your death will like, be swift and like, full of pain!" She reloaded her bow and aimed it at his heart.

"GWENEL!" yelled Gandalf in order to stop her. In that specific moment several things happened. Guards came out of the dark of the room and grabbed the members of the Fellowship and held them back. Eadocce was hit over the head with a vase by a younger guard who started to tear open her robes, and Gandalf was attacked by another two guards.

Also at that moment, Grima whipped out a sword and ran at a distracted Gwenel. She barely turned around in time to deflect his blow. Her 'go go mighty morphin' power rangers' sword gleamed with the air of… well… a power ranger as she spun around deflecting fatal blows. Then the unbelievable happened. She faltered in her step and fell backwards onto the ground. Grima brought his long sword down hard across her chest as she screamed.

Legolas finished punching out the last of his attackers and turned around to look at his Gwenel on the ground. Outside Edoras the sun fell under clouds.

"Ai, Gwenel, my princess. Why you have saved us all by spilling your own blood!" Legolas cried as held his mortal… I mean his sue, because sues are not mortal, they are fair more supreme beings. Shame on me.

"Like, umm… I am thinking of something witty to say!" She lay gasping in his arms, and everyone waited on the balls of their feet for her 'witty remark'.

Gimli moved to a window and stated the obvious. "The Sun has fallen into Shadow!" he called.

Aragorn slowly removed himself to where Gimli stood. "Be still Gimli, we wait for Gwenel's witty remark, as she put it." Gimli rolled his eyes and continued to whisper to Aragorn, but being a Dwarf… and breathing so loud that the sexy Haldir could've shot him in the dark, it seemed like he was still shouting.

"That ditz of a Lass! Sauron will have taken Middle Earth into his arms if we are to wait for her to say a 'witty' remark! Aragorn, we must leave now!" He danced around on his toes when he said 'witty'.

"Gimli that is not such a nice thing to say!" Aragorn warned

"No? What about the other lass? 'I am Eadocce the White', unlike Simply Eadocce, for I am far stronger than Eadocce! But you can still call me Eadocce because it's easier to rememba then, oh let me think… Eadocce! Tell me Aragorn, how many times can she say her name in one breath?" Gimli shouted, shaking his hefty fist at the future king.

"Oh! Like, I can't think of any great lines from the like, movies!" Gwenel sobbed. By now Legolas was soaked in blood, but Gwenel was still alive.

Eadocce turned to her and smiled, "How about you say something that one of the characters that dies says?"

"B-but you used Boromir's lines! A-and then Boromir used your lines that you like used that were like, _his!_ That's like, unoriginal." Gwenel sobbed, losing another one or two or three pints of blood.

Legolas looking befuddled looked from one girl to the next.

"Oh! I have like, thought of something!" She smiled as everyone gathered around.

"Your quest! It, um… stands upon the brink of a knife! Oh that's like, not the line." She sighed and laid her head on Legolas's arm.

"How about um, this one," Eadocce clapped her hands together and smiled as she mouthed something to her partner sue.

"Oh, yes. Okay everyone listen!" She coughed a bit then turned her eyes to Legolas.

"Leggy-Weggy-Poo, I like, totally love you. And hopefully one day I will be your queen and you my king in Mirkwood! To the rest of you I have but one, like, important thing to say…" Suddenly the beautiful dying, um… sue, for a lack of better terms began to sing, and as she sang, the Sun shone once more, and relief washed over the fellowship. Legolas was so moved that tears overtook the poor elf and his shaking frame made everyone sad again.

Legolas shed tears, and as Gwenel's fair mouth and fair eyes closed for a final time, her fair hand slid off the fair elven cheek that was of the fair prince Legolas, of the fair elven realm, of the fair Eryn Lasgalen, which was also know as the fair Mirkwood, where the fair Thranduil reigned as the fair king of the Fair land of Mirkwood, or the fair land of Eryn Lasgalen, or whatever your fairness may fair to fairly call it.

What was the song that the fair Gwenel sang for the grieved fellowship? Here it is for the viewers' pleasure:

_I do not like Green Eggs and Ham  
I do not like them  
Sam, I am _

I do not like them here or there  
I do not like them anywhere  
I do not like them in a boat  
I would not, could not, with a goat

I will not eat them in the rain  
I do not like them on a train  
I do not like them in a box  
I will not eat them with a fox

I do not like them in a house  
I would not, could not, with a mouse  
I do not like Green Eggs and Ham  
I do not like them  
Sam, I am

Green Eggs and Ham  
Green Eggs and Ham  
Don't like Green Eggs and Ham

The silence overcame everyone and then Eadocce picked up some of the blood in a magical bucket and threw it on Grima. Who was standing there the whole time… not running away or anything, and the reason for that is when a sue dies, EVERYTHING stops. So the bloodied Grima started running around in circles, covered in blood.

"OH NO! I'm… I'm… melting! I'm melting! Oh what a world, what a world!" and with that, poof… Grima the evil do-er died too. And King Théoden was Théoden King, fair mortal king over the fair land of Edoras, which in reality isn't a fair land, because it isn't a country, so it would be better said that he was now fair King of the fair Rohan and all the fair riddermark, but he was also King of all that was unfair, for the orcs and urak-hai had pillaged many fair rohirric villages, and made them most fairly unfair.

Théoden looked about him and sighed. "Gandalf friend, where is Sister Son Eomer, and Sister Daughter Eowyn, and Son of Mine? Tell me, why have you come so late?" Like she was summoned, Sister Daughter Eowyn appeared in her shimmering white dress, although upon being in the same room as the GREAT Eadocce the White, who was no longer Simply Eadocce, who we are permitted to call Eadocce, for short, Eowyn Sister Daughter of the Fair Théoden King of the Fair Land of Rohan, and the fairly unfair villages in Rohan, her dress shriveled to a dull pasty looking color.

The group turned to a big drawing room, that was also fair, being in the fair walls of the fair Edoras, which we can say is the fair capitol of the fair Rohan, and the fairly unfair villages of Rohan… the Fellowship entered the room, leaving guards to remove Gwenel's massacred fair… body.

* * *

A/N: I simply must write a fair disclaimer, for this fair chapter, for I fear I have fairly unfairly ripped off many fair stories…

_Disclaimer: Anything in this fair chapter, written by this fair author, is for fair non-profit humor. Songs belonging to Dr. Suess, the fair author of Green Eggs and Ham, Lines belonging to screen play-writer of The Wizard of Oz, Scenes and Words written by JRR Tolkien and any references to 'Power Rangers' are made strictly for entertainment purposes and do not reel in any profit for me. Thank You and HAVE a fairly fair day. _


	10. Elf Rape!

_I must, simply must, thank Phantom's Jedi for the idea for this chapter! I heart you! I also heart all my reviewers, because you all are amazing! Fairly Fair like, amazing reviewers.

* * *

_

They all sat in the great drawing room talking. Théoden King had been informed that he had banished his Sister Son Eomer, and that his Son of Mine was dead, and that his Sister Daughter was much aggrieved by the presence of Grima… the Tongue of Worms.

Aragorn slammed his fist on the table, "Hark! You, Théoden King, King of the fair Rohan, must go to War! Saruman will come to your fair doorstep if you do not!"

The fair golden head, of the fair Théoden King, which was not as fair as the late Fair Gwenel Sue's fair golden head was, turned to look upon Aragorn.

"When last I checked, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Sister Son! I was the fair king of the Fair Rohan, which is in the Fair NORTH OF THE FAIR ARDA!" he yelled, his voice getting gradually louder with every word.

Aragorn's eyes grew wide as he looked up, "I _am_ the son of Arathorn, not his Sister Son. Or his Sister Sister for that matter. If such a thing exists, and I didn't wish to be king of _your _land for one day I will be King of Men, and rule over _all_ of Arda."

Théoden looked aghast. He then crumpled to the floor in tears. "You will be my king wont you?" He sniveled.

Aragorn sat quietly contemplating this statement. "Yes, I believe I shall be…" he murmured.

"And you will be mean to me, and make me do things I don't want to if I disobey you now…" Théoden let out another sob.

"Yes, yes I shall." Said Aragorn more forcefully.

"Then I will take my people to Helms Deep where we shall fight!" Cried Théoden, until Gandalf rolled his eyes and sighed.

* * *

_**HELMS DEEP**_

"So like, we will definitely like kill all of those like, ba-zillion orcs?" Eadocce questioned, as she stood at the wall of Helms Deep.

"Yes. Simply put, we must." Aragorn answered.

"I see. And where is Gandalf?" Eadocce questioned, again.

"He has gone to find Eomer, and maybe find a few more men to help aid us in this battle." Aragorn answered.

"I like, see." Eadocce nodded. Then she said, "Like this is the perfect time for a beauty nap." She sighed.

Just at that moment a loud shriek was emitted from the deep of… uhhh… Helms Deep. Suddenly a flurry of pink came running up to the wall, its long, long, long, blonde hair swirling around it in anger.

It went straight for Eadocce and grabbed it. Then it bellowed, in hot anger, "GWENEL THE FLOURESCENT PINK! BECAUSE WHITE WAS ALREADY TAKEN BY EADOCCE THE WHITE!FLOURESCENT PINK! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!" She threw down Eadocce and then Eadocce became angered.

"HOW, LIKE, DARE YOU THROW DOWN EADOCCE THE WHITE, I HAVE PERMITED YOU TO CALL ME EADOCCE, SO THAT YOU FEEL NO LESSER THAN I, THE LIKE, GREAT EADOCCE! YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO LIKE ALL SUES!" Suddenly a lightening rod struck the wall and both girls took out rather elven looking blades.

Eadocce swung hard at Gwenel, who did a matrix bend thing… and avoided being cut across the chest again. Gwenel did a power rangers flip in the air and brought her sword down crashing into the floor where Eadocce stood but a second ago. Suddenly a horn sounded.

Eadocce cocked her head sideways, just in time for it to get out of Gwenel's sword's way, and then both girls ran down the pathway, to see if Haldir and his army where indeed on _their way._ Way? Kay.

They entered the lower chambers where men where busy picking out swords. Legolas looked very frustrated.

"Farmers, farriers, stable boys they are no soldiers." Aragorn groaned.

"Most have seen to many winters." Gimli nodded equally frustrated.

"Or too few! Look at them! They are frightened; I can see it in their eyes!" Legolas spat.

Gwenel nodded furiously, and to alls astonishment, she spoke elvish, "Boe a hyn: neled herain dan caer menig."

Aragorn looked at her his eyes open in wonder, at her…. Pinkness. "You live?" he gasped. Then he shook his head and whispered forcefully, "Si beriathar hýn ammaeg nâ ned Edoras."

Legolas shook his head fiercely and turned swiftly to Aragorn, "Aragorn---"

Gwenel cut him off quickly, "nedin dagor hen ú-'erir otheri. Natha daged dhaer!" She spat, disgusted.

"THEN I SHALL DIE AS ONE OF THEM!" bellowed Eadocce, glaring at Gwenel. Everyone turned to Eadocce to see her standing there, looking disheveled.

Aragorn looked at her, "I was going to say that." He sighed, and stormed out.

"Let him go lad, let him be." Gimli said catching hold of Legolas's arm as he made after Aragorn.

"Nay, we must go now. The Elves are here." Eadocce said as she turned on her heels.

As they ran down the steps, Eadocce saw a sight that made her heart jump to her throat. There he stood, the great, the magnificent… March Warden… sigh…

"I bring word from Elrond of Rivendell. An alliance once existed between Elves and Men. Long ago we fought and died together. We come to honour that allegiance." Haldir said, giving a bow.

Eadocce immediate threw herself into his arms, and as he looked down at the bundle of white in his arms, he sighed. "Haldir O Lorien! Mae Govannen! Mi AMOR!" Haldir uttered an expletive in Elvish, not understanding her last two words. Gwenel on the other hand did.

And soon there was also a bundle of Fluorescent Pink in his arms as well. "Haldir, I would bind myself to thee now, if you were not destined the destiny that you are like, destined!" Haldir, having enough unceremoniously dropped both bundles on the ground.

Haldir then turned to Aragorn and bowed a little, "We are proud to fight alongside men once more."

* * *

_**LATER, ON THE WALL**_

Eadocce stood, much to his discontent, next to Haldir, on the left, while the bundle of fluorescence stood, again much to his discontent, on his right. They were both whispering frantically about the weak points in the armor and the hot elf ass that surrounded them.

He spoke gruffly to both girls, "Refrain, ye women, from grabbing my rear, for it will send my arrows askew. Second, refrain, ye MARY SUES from telling me, the great Warden from LOTHLORIEN, how to kill an orc."

"Haly-poo, did you forget your love for me so easily?" Eadocce said, lowering her bow to stroke Haldir's arm. He stiffened, in stance that is, and ignored her. Then he thought better of it.

"I will make you a deal, ye Sues. I will take both of you, together, endlessly, if you refrain from touching me, or hindering my aim. And you refrain from your senseless chatter." Eadocce's eyes grew wide.

"Both?" she murmured, dazed.

"Yes." Came the curt answer.

"Endlessly?" Gwenel gasped.

"I am March Warden of Lorien, _and_ I am elf kind." Both girls looked him over and blushed deeply.

"Then it is settled Sister Sue?" Eadocce said, coming out of her daze.

"We will not let him die!" Gwenel said as Haldir rolled his eyes.

Suddenly arrows were let loose and Haldir smirked as his arrow landed true.

The battle ensued for hours as Man, Orc and Elf fell. Haldir was beginning to worry about his promise to the girls. He really didn't want to take them… anywhere, let alone endlessly. But an elf must be true to his word. He had hoped that something ill would befall them, so that he didn't have to disgrace himself with them, but they fought close by him vigilantly.

Panic started to rise in his stomach as he imagined those two in his bed. Two Sues! TWO!

Not one sue, but two! He groaned as he heard Aragorn call for him to fall into the keep. And fall he did. All the way down the damn stairs. Then he felt himself being picked up and dragged into the keep. By a Pink and White. Eadocce smashed him up against a wall, as he looked down at her bewildered. She gave him a deep kiss, and then rushed off. He was just about to spit, when a bundle of pink attacked him. She also gave him a deep kiss… and grabbed him in a few… erhm, places. (poor elf, Haldir if you ever see this you will want to die. I'm sorry.)

He yelled and lost all sanity. Aragorn watched as Haldir ran up the stairs out of the keep, with a war cry on his lips. He slashed orcs and goblins, Urak and troll as he made his way back to the wall, to aid his army. When he had finally reached the wall, he realized that the Sues were coming. He slashed as quickly as he could and in his pain, he didn't see the orc behind him. As soon as the Orc cut through Haldir's shoulder the Elf turned about him and slashed it. Leaving again his back uncovered. Another orc came behind him to finish the job, but in its glee, did not see Eadocce standing behind it. But late was her stroke, because the orc blade had already crashed into the Elf. He fell, into Gwenel's awaiting arms, and fear caught hold of the Elf, as he was powerless to change the direction he fell. But as pain cut through his body, he closed his eyes and prayed the Valar take him.

* * *

_**AFTER THE BATTLE**_

Eadocce stood in the healing hall talking quietly to Gwenel.

"That didn't happen like in the movie." Eadocce said

"Like it wouldn't have, cause, like we are here." G

"Yes, but like, we had already won the battle long before Gandalf returned." E

"Yea, like not cool. Gandalf was like, supposed to save the day." G

"Haldir lives." Sighed Eadocce. A sparkle came to Gwenel's eyes. "I saw him first, its not fair." Eadocce protested.

"I like saved him from his fall." Gwenel smiled.

"He promised he'd take both of us." Eadocce said sadly.

"Yes, but like, his spine has been, um like… broken." Gwenel mumbled

--

Over at the bed that Haldir lay in he slowly opened his eyes. He blinked a few times until Aragorn came into view.

"I live?" he gasped. He automatically commanded his body to get up and run away but realized that he only caused himself pain. Severe, horrible pain. He growled and lay still as Aragorn put his hand on his shoulder to stay his friend.

"You have taken quite the beating my friend." Aragorn said looking at his friend.

"I must escape! I must leave, before… _THEY_ find me. Help me Elessar, help me my friend, and I shall forever be in your debt. After the Lord and Lady sail west here I shall stay to serve you faithfully! Please!" Haldir gasped.

Aragorn laughed, "I heard of a little promise you made to the Sues. You know Eadocce is mine, do you not?"

"Yes! And I do not wish to take her from you! Keep her, just let me escape, I only said those words in haste, because I wanted them to be silent." Haldir fought back the pain in his body to sputter out the last sentence.

"Yes, I will tell them that you are otherwise… incapable of performing… your, um… duties." Aragorn laughed.

"Aragorn, they will not…Oh Eru! They are coming!" Haldir frantically tried to move, only to send rasps of pain through his body.

Gwenel rushed to his side and put her arm on his broad chest. "Haldir! Do not, like, move!" she gasped as pain darted through his eyes. He desperately tried to move his hand to deflect her touch and then gave up. Eadocce came to his other side and placed a hand on his forehead, stroking his hair away from his face.

"Like, we have decided something that may upset you." She said in hushed tones.

Gwenel nodded fiercely, running her hand up and down his chest.

"Haldir, my love, you are, like,hurt." Eadocce said plainly.

"Yes, and that means that you won't really be able to make me like,happy." Gwenel said. "But Legolas…" she smiled, looking around for him.

"Me either Haldir." Eadocce said, looking down at the stunned March Warden.

"I- I will not be able to m-make you h-h-happy?" he questioned in bewilderment.

Gwenel kissed his forehead and walked away, finally spotting her leggy-weggy poo.

Eadocce turned concerned eyes to the elf. "Haldir, don't take it personally, I mean you are a very handsome elf… its just, I would find no pleasure in…" her voice trailed off as his mouth dropped open. She looked at him expectantly, and he looked at her aghast.

"Its okay to let out your feelings Haldir…" she whispered.

"Feelings?" he managed to whisper, his throat closing up in happiness. Then the March Warden burst into fake sobs.

"Rejected!" he sobbed, "Whatever shall I do now! I will die of a broken heart, fair maiden!" he sniffled closing his eyes. When he felt her hand move, he thought her to have left him, and slowly opened one eye to look to see if it was safe. But there she stood, still. "Oh Eru! I am a disgrace to Elves everywhere!" he fake sobbed.

It was then that Eadocce took pity on the elf and leaned in and kissed him. He endured the kiss and then she whispered, "You will one day find a nice elf girl who will love you and your… disabilities." And with that she was gone.

He turned his head to the side and spit out her… um… spit. And relief washed over him. Aragorn fell to the floor laughing and Haldir smiled.

"Ha! You got rejected!" Aragorn teased.

"Aye, now the annoying ones will hover about you and Legolas. Poor Prince, he will stand no chance, for he is young and tender." With that Haldir fell into recovery sleep.

* * *

A/N: Poor Hal… I couldn't kill him. I did worse! He would have died an honorable death, but noooooooooooooooooo… I had to do this to him. Well this one wasn't as funny, but it had some amusing moments! 


	11. Celebrity Sue!

_This is a like, shout out to like, my reviewers, who I like, love! _

_**Elfluver13- **You are simply amazing! Like, Haldir is the hottest, and like we totally can agree on that. Like…_

_**Phantom'sJediBandieGirl-** You are like, awesome! Like awesomely fluorescent pink! Like, totally!_

_**Protector of Canon2**- Like ohmigosh… I like, love your reviews. _

_**AliceandAce-** Thank you thank you!_

_**Emo Aniron-** Thanks so much, like... totally!_

Onward we go!

* * *

With Helms Deep behind them, the battle for the fair lands of the fair Rohan were fairly won, even the unfair lands of the fairly fair Rohan were now at peace. But now, the battle for Middle Earth was upon them, and they had to mass to protect this fair world.

Gwenel the fluorescent, magnificent pink sat filing her fluorescent pink nails. Eadocce the white on the other hand, was combing her long, long, long, long, long... dark hair.

Aragorn sat at the table with Eomer, Gandalf, Théoden, Legolas, and Gimli. They discussed how to next sneak across the plain without being seen by the great eye of Sauron, the two girls on the other hand sat looking bored waiting for the opportune moment to let everyone know that it was more important for _them_ to be seen, than Frodo to be exposed.

The Ring Bearer how was he? Everyone but the Sues wondered this at one point or the other, but it seems like Gimli was the first to voice his concern.

"I wonder what the little hobbits are doing right now!" Gimli questioned

"They have helped with the defeat of Isenguard! They woke the Ents and together they have locked the wizard Saruman in his tower." Gandalf answered, sounding smug.

"Oh! Old Master Baggins! He did that!" Gimli coughed

"Oh! No, I mean Merry and Pippin." Gandalf said looking sad.

No one really knew how Frodo and Sam where, but the magnificent Sues.

Eadocce got a wicked smile on her face, and floated over to the table. Gwenel slammed her file into the arm of her chair, she the great Gwenel the Fluorescent couldn't float. Eadocce turned to the seated men, elf, dwarf and wizard and then looked distant.

"He has fallen in to shadow!" She said, much like she recalled Galadriel did in the movie. Gandalf stood up, and then she burst into fits of giggles.

"I jest Gandalf!" she managed to emit when she was finally in control of her emotions.

Gwenel decided it was time she stole the spot like from… the whitey white white. "You know Aragorn, it would be better if we had the eye affixed on us, so that he remains blind to Frodo."

Gimli looked up, eyes sparkling.

Legolas nodded, "Yes! A diversion."

"Aww, you are so smart Gwenel, why did I not think of that!" Aragorn slapped the table with his fingers and smiled at the Smart… Pink… Mary Sue.

Eadocce in a flash of anger turned to Aragorn, "But you did Gorny! You did! Only she saw it in the movie Return of the, like, King and like stole it!"

Aragorn turned to Gandalf and whispered while the girl screamed on and on about a movie.

"Gandalf! What is this _moo-vee-yyy? _What is this that she is always speaking of?"

Gandalf sat thoughtfully for a moment then shook his head, "Mayhap it is when you are moving in a V- shaped maneuver? Mayhap it's a war strategy… The Move V."

"Indeed," Aragorn nodded looking over at an even more confused Eomer who was jumping around in his seat to avoid the girl's spit as she screamed. In an attempt to appease the girl, Aragorn nodded fiercely at her and said, "Indeed Eadocce this _Move V_ of which you speak gives us the ability to see ahead of us. Indeed I will have to use it."

Eadocce looked at him for a fleeting second the decided to ignore him altogether.

"Can we like ride to um, like Minas Osgiliath now?" Gwenel moaned, stamping her clad-in-pink feet.

Everyone turned to her and looked bewildered. Eadocce let out an exasperated sigh, "Like, Minas Tirith! Duh! Loser." She spat, and then left the room in a whirl of white and dark hair.

* * *

_**AT THE WHITE CITY**_

Pippin sat on the base of a white tree waiting patiently. Finally he could hear Gandalf's foot falls and stood up and put on a big smile.

"Peregrin Took! What are you doing here?" Gandalf questioned.

"Gwenel came to me in a dream and told me that I needed to come to the white city, or else she would tell everyone in the shire about how flatulent I am, and that will sure make ol' Mary Proudfoot think I am repulsive. So I came. I hear the food is good here, I am very hungry…"

* * *

_**DUNHARROW**_

The Rohirrim, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas and Théoden King fair King of the fair land of Rohan, and the fairly unfair lands of Rohan as well sat by a fire, with Gwenel.

Off to the side of the group sat Merry Brandybuck feasting on a turkey drumstick with Eowyn at his side.

"So he said Eadocce told him in a dream to come here?" Gimli whispered.

"Yes, that is what he said."

"Aragorn, where's Pippin?" Legolas questioned

"He like, has gone to Minas Tirith." Answered Gwenel plainly.

"But why not travel with his cousin!" Gimli asked.

"Because that is not, like, his path." Gwenel said, prodding the fire with a stick. Eomer then lay his head down against the tree's base, that he had sat next to and contemplated this…Sue. Last time he had met her _:shudder:_ she had only said one word. BLEEEP.

What did it mean? He asked himself. The question stabbed at him until he opened his mouth to ask the girl, then thought better of it. He smiled, and fell into slumber.

* * *

_**PATHS OF THE DEAD**_

Eadocce walked toward the gate in the mountain with her cloak about her, she was cold, and her pretty white dress was caked with mud. It was terrible.

When she had finally reached the gate, she was frightened but walked in anyway.

"I have to like, save the world, or Sauron will, like be the king." She said to herself and like, walked into the cave.

Upon reaching the pass, she patiently waited for someone to attend to her.

After a few minutes of silence she gave a loud whistle that echoed through the tavern.

"Like, hello! Customer at the front desk! Ohmigosh!" she breathed and all of a sudden the king of the men under the mountain appeared.

"Like, ohmigosh, you are like greener that in the movie!" She gasped.

"Move V?" came the answer, "Yes, we have used that maneuver several times, it works very well." The Leader said. His voice left a chill in the air that made Eadocce pull her cloak closer.

She waiting patiently for his next sentence but it never came, he just stared at her, and she at him. And soon it was a staring contest. And the stared, and stared, and stared….

Then she looked at him and said, "Like, do you suffer the living?"

Startled he shook his head and then like magic he began to recite his lines, "The Dead do not suffer the living to pass…" he whispered clearly.

"You will suffer me!" She screamed, more like shrieked, and her voice banging off the tavern walls.

"You needn't shout kid, I'm _dead_ not _deaf_." He snarled.

She blinked at his statement, than nodded. "Are you the famed, Mary Sue?" he asked.

"Like, yea, but my name is Eadocce. Or so Aragorn calls me." The creature's eyes widened as he took out a pen and paper.

"I've read Fanfiction! You are my favorite character in the story, Fiddle Diddle Widdle Aragorn and Legolas Niddle! Can I have your autograph?"

She pondered this for a moment and then said, "I'll make you a deal you can't refuse. If you fight for me then I will give you all autographs and release your spirits."

She then gathered up to her full length and bellowed, "WHAT SAY YOU!"

"Again, please don't shout. We will. We will fight for you and get your autograph Mary Sue!"

She nodded and turned towards the fields of pelannor.

* * *

A/N: Seems fitting to Make the Sue a celebrity. 


	12. Gimli for Dinner

* * *

Eadocce stood, looking bored, outside of the tavern. 3 large black boats had reached the shore and she waited lazily for them to notice her presence. When they finally did she rose to her full height and called to them.

"You can not pass!" The men all sniggered.

"Well, now lady, why can't we pass?" yelled a fat one.

"Because, I said you can't. You will not invade Minas Tirith, and you will, like, do my bidding!" She yelled.

"You can't stop us! We will take the city, and send it to ruin!" the fat one shouted back, and then laughter erupted on the ships.

"Are you like, mocking me?" she called indignantly.

"You know what you can do lady? You can come up on this here ship and tell each of us what you will do for us when we take the white city." Another man called.

"Nay! I will like, stop you without setting a foot on your boat!" she yelled.

"Stop us? You and what army?"

"This one!" Suddenly they appeared in all their glory, rushing the ships and killing all before them, the army of the dead.

* * *

_**THE FIELDS OF PELANNOR**_

The armies had arrived, Gwenel among them, looking quite put out that Eadocce had left without her. The men surrounding her were very nervous, and all she could really think of was how to get attention from them. She rode her horse toward Legolas and put her head on his strong shoulder.

"Legolas…" she began as his angry face melted away, "If we do not, like, make it through the night, then, like, I want you to know one thing. Legolas, you are like, an amazing elf. And I um, have like fallen in love with you. But one day I will like, have to return to my home, and like we will be parted. But um… you were a good elf." Legolas smiled, looking down confused at the girl, and then turned his attention to Aragorn who rode down the line.

"Riders of Rohan!" called Eomer, "Oaths you have taken…" Gwenel rolled her eyes. Their coming to middle earth really changed a lot of things, it did. But would in this version of the story they be victorious too?

Then, Gwenel got and idea. She urged her mount forward and rode to Eomer, Théoden King, and Aragorn's side. They all stood looking at their men, who were frightened.

"Aragorn! I have like, an idea!" Gwenel announced. They all turned to her and smiled, looking at her as if for the first time in days.

"I will divert the like, gaze of the orcs and goblins, so that you may like, take half of your army behind them and like FLANK them!" she announced in glee.

"Hmm, how do you plan on doing that by yer self lass?" Gimli questioned, coming up with Legolas.

"Well, Gimli, I was like, thinking about a game of Hungry -Hungry Hippo!" She squealed. Everyone looked very confused.

Aragorn smiled and put his hand on her arm, "Nay my lady it is too dangerous."

She held her nose up and then said, "Well I'm going now, bye!"

"Not by yer cotton picking self you aint! Take me with ye lass!" Gimli jumped from behind Legolas to behind Gwenel and she sighed and rode forward.

"What are ye really planning Lady?" he asked.

"Just as I said! And now that you are here, I like have a better idea." Her eyes shone with an evil gleam that scared poor Gimli son of Gloin.

* * *

_**20 MINUTES LATER**_

Music erupted from the far left of the field. Loud music, like drums and harps playing. Everyone was startled as they turned left to see Gwenel had set up a very long table that had what looked like coconut halves on it.

Gwenel was dressed what looked like a long grass skirt with a crown of floors and a coconut halves bra. She has flower bracelets and necklaces on her and looked absolutely radiant with the sun glistening off her golden hair. Gimli, looked pitiful. He too, wore a long grass skirt, with a coconut bra, and was framed with flowers. He held his axe in his hands and was shouting obscenities at Gwenel who was adjusting his…bra.

Just then the Orcs all turned to Gwenel and Gimli and to everyone's shock started shuffling around to the beat of the drums!

When Gwenel and Gimli realized that attention was on them, Gwenel did a hop a looked down at Gimli.

"Blasted girl! What I do to save this earth! This is folly! A respectable Dwarf, wearing…oh, oh, this is not my place!" he yelled, then he started to swirl his hips like Gwenel had showed him.

Over on the other side of the field Legolas sat on his horse eyes wide telling everyone what was happening.

"He's wearing a bra!" Aragorn gasped.

"Aye Mellon and a skirt!" Legolas laughed.

"He will not live down this day!" Aragorn laughed, as Merry rode up on his pony.

"Hey! What's happening!" He shouted.

"Merry! What are you doing here?" Aragorn asked.

"Well I'm here now, is that Gimli over there?" Merry asked.

* * *

_**BACK WITH GIMLI**_

Gwenel started dancing and moving around in circles. Then when Gimli finally followed, his face as red as his hair she turned to the side and pointed at him and stared signing. He still clutched his axe as he danced and murmured curses.

_If your hungry for a fat and juicy dwarf! Here eat Gimli 'cause he's the best of them all! Oh -Oh, He has a lot of meat and his feet are great to eat, Gimli -Gimli the dwarf!_

Just then the orcs, starving charged after Gimli, who in turn roared with anger and raised his axe.

"No Gimli, No!" Gwenel called to him, then she turned to the orcs and screamed, "STOP!" and they did just that. Gimli brought a box over to her and she stood on it.

"I have a contest to suggest to you!" She yelled as the orcs inched closer. "Here I have coconuts on the table, if you can guess which one it is under, than you can have a piece of the Juicy Gimli!" The orcs seemed to agree so she moved over to the table, Gimli following close behind.

When they reached the table the first set of orcs came up and looked menacingly at Gimli, he whispered to Gwenel, "Hey, you rigged the game so that they can't guess right?"

Gwenel looked down at him, her golden hair falling down her bare shoulder and smiled, "I think I like, did. But have your axe like, ready in any case."

* * *

_**OVER WITH ARAGORN**_

"Move quickly, she has their attention this half move with me!" Aragorn said, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. "Oh a fat and juicy Gimli!" he laughed again.

Merry rode with Aragorn, and Legolas and Eowyn who was disguised as a man. They all had dismounted and were quietly running across the plain to flank the orcs.

Merry who was being carried by Legolas so that he wouldn't be left behind, stared softly singing, "Da dun da dun, da dun da dun da dun da dun dun dun dun na na nah!" Aragorn turned to him with his eyes wide.

"What are you sining there Merry?"

"Oh, this is the _thee-emme _song to the Pink Panther. Gwenel taught it to me. She said it's from her world. It's catchy." Legolas smiled as they positioned themselves on the orcs flank.

Aragorn gave the signal for Théoden to ride forward, and after Théoden and his men rode forward, Aragorn and his men drove forth.

* * *

_**BACK WITH GIMLI**_

The Orcs had lost, one by one, and where getting frustrated, Gwenel had noticed that the onslaught had began and whistled for her horse to come near, as the orcs flipped the table over and charged at her and Gimli.

"What do ye have planned now lass?" Gimli said backing up.

"Like, Exit stage left! RUN!" Gwenel turned and made a straight run to her horse and hoisted Gimli behind her. Too late, an Orc arrow landed in her horse killing him. She fell with Gimli and he held his axe up cutting cleanly through the first Orc. She summoned her Power Rangers sword and like the pink ranger, started to flip and kill orcs about her.

* * *

It was at this time that Pippin looked over the wall to see orcs climbing them and entering the city in masses.

"Gandalf! Gandalf! The orcs are coming the orcs are coming!" He yelled. Gandalf rode down on a brown horse, because Eadocce had so dim wittedly killed his Shadowfax, and plucked him off the ground.

"That is the least of our worries now Peregrin Took! I have positioned guards at the walls and the are fighting, The Nazgul are here!" Gandalf said breathlessly.

* * *

_**BACK ON THE FIELD**_

Eadocce came over the hill with her army. She held up her bow and arrow and shot the first Orc that came in her way. Her eyes darkened as she turned to her men… err, I mean ghosts.

"Like, Guys! We like, have to save the day! And like, then we are going to all be happy!" She breathed, as some of the men in the background mumbled.

"How come she's so dumb, the Mary Sue in the book wasn't this stupid?" Asked one soldier to another.

"Like, on your mark! Like, get set. Like, GO!" she shrieked, her voice rolling and echoing through the plain.

"Hey kid, I thought I told you we were _dead _not_ deaf! _There is no reason to shriek! And we are going, I think I stepped in some Orc crap though," He snapped and then they were off, and off they were to kill the orces, all the orces to kill.

* * *

A/N: Cliff hanger! Like a bad one though, but still… here's the disclaimer.

_**Disclaimer: This story if non- for profit. I don't own the Power Rangers, The Lion King song I butchered (Its supposed to be 'If you're hungry for a fat and juicy pig, then here eat Pumba…') and I certainly do not own any Tolkien or LOTR screen writers ideas. This is strictly for Fan fiction use and is not meant to be sold or copied out to for- profit organizations! Happy Reading!**_


	13. Havoac En Sues!

_Oh dear reviewers, how thou hast stolen my heart, and swept away the pain in mine eyes!_

**_Elfluver13-_** _Poor Gimli I really did embarrass him last chapter! Ha ha! But it was funny though! Ha, maybe your family should read the story too!_

**_Domina-Spring-_** _I simply loved your review, haha, and I feel so bad for what happened to poor Haldir, but I just couldn't kill him, he's much too hot for that!_

**_To All Shadow Readers_** _I dub you all wonderful, now, please review!

* * *

_

Eadocce was doing a little hop-skip down the plain, shooting orcs that were within a reasonable distance from her. She was actually smiling and singing and prancing around like a ninny.

"_We're here to kill the orcesies, we're here to kill the orcesies, and down Sauron will go! We're here to kill the orcesies, we're here to kill the orcesies, and down Sauron will go! Down, down, where ever the evil go, down, down and he'll struggle to and fro! Like, we're here to kill the orcesies, and bring down Sauron the foe!" _

As she ended her tirade, she slammed her sword into a near by troll, who turned around and tried to step on her. She dodged it quickly and did a matrix move and knocked his head off.

"Ha! I learned that one from Neo!" she yelled, raising her fist in the air. She turned to see Gwenel dressed in a long grass skirt brandishing her power rangers' sword with a similarly attired Gimli at her side.

"Twentyah Three!" yelled Gimli.

"Ha, I'm 29!" Yelled Gwenel swinging her sword. "30!" she smiled.

"Oh, oh! I wont have no, Merrah Sue tryin to out beat me in an orc battle!" he roared and swung his axe.

Eadocce noticed an orc creeping up on Gimli from behind getting ready to swing his sword. He turned and made ready to hack it down, but Eadocce had already notched her bow and released the arrow. The arrow landed between the creatures eyes and he fell. Gimli turned around looking upset, and then pointed at Eadocce, "That one!" he called, "Counts as mine!" he roared.

It was only a few more moments before the battle was ended and the army of the dead was on Eadocce. She looked around her, as Aragorn stood by her side, Legolas came out of the mist and Gimli and Gwenel joined her. She looked at the Army, which looked quite menacing.

"We have kept our promise, now you must keep yours!" The Leader's voice rang out, only as a ghost's voice could, leaving a chill in the air.

Gwenel knocked Eadocce's arm with the hilt of her sword and yelled at the girl, unfortunately, her yell was also a shriek. "You Butt! _We_ were supposed to wake the dead, not like, _you!_"

Eadocce smiled and turned to the Leader. Gimli inched forward his axe clutched in his hands, "Why do they look so… angry!" he asked.

Gwenel slapped him across the forehead, "You dwarf! Are you like, thick in the head too? Like the line is, Like, '_Bad idea. Very handy in a tight spot, these lads, despite the fact they're dead.' _Pfft, like, duh."

Gimli looked affronted, and then opened his mouth to say something, when Eadocce turned and smiled at the King of the Dead.

"Then I shall up my end of the bargain, lets us make our way to that table!" So she went to the table and sat down on the box that Gimli had moved earlier. Magically, sharpies and pictures of Eadocce appeared on the table, and Gwenel gapped at the Dead lining up. She promptly marched over there and glared at Eadocce who had begun passing out autographs. One soldier leaned in and looked at the picture.

"Can you make it out to Beleg? Yes, with love x-o-x-o Mary Sue Eadocce, thank you." He answered, smiling and then walking away.

"Like, they want your autograph?" Gwenel whispered furiously.

"Yes," she answered talking to Gwenel, then turning to the ghost before her, "Can you make this out for the handsome Eoger?" She nodded and signed the picture.

So a few hours went by as the army of the dead received autographs and Eomer looked around for his uncle and other soldiers that still lived. He found his sister, Eowyn on the ground and thought her dead, he yelled and screamed and cried, and Gwenel finally went over to Eomer and pulled him to his feet.

"Eomer, relax. She's like, not dead. Aragorn will save her, lets go." She took his hand and walked over to Aragorn who sat on the ground looking at a map, she cleared her throat and he looked up at her.

"Eowyn has been injured." She announced, "She needs to you heal her." She smiled, leading both men back to Eowyn and Aragorn dropped to on knee picking her up and walking toward the city. Eomer followed him closely. Eadocce on the other saw this, and quickly released the souls of the dead army and then ran toward Aragorn.

"Gorny!" she called, linking her arm through his, "where are you going?"

He looked down at her and smiled, "To the white city, and to take Eowyn to the healer's wing." She nodded, smiling, but still followed along.

Once in the white city, they saw Gwenel standing with a torch in her hand and Denethor was running around in circles on fire. Gandalf was holding Faramir back from the girl and yelling at her. Pippin was running around screaming something about the Shire and mushrooms. It was quite the chaotic scene. Eadocce grabbed a bucket and flung it toward Denethor but then changed her mind last minute and the water ended up on Faramir.

"I kill her! She's burning my father alive!" Faramir yelled. Gwenel still holding the torch walked over to him and slapped him.

"Like, aren't you supposed to be like, falling in love or something?" she said indignantly. Faramir stare at her blankly.

"Like, with Eowyn! Duh, like, she's in love with Gorny, who's like in love with Eadocce and like, also Arwen, and like, Eadocce is like, in love with Haldir, who like, doesn't even want anything to do with her cause like, he's in love with me, but like, I'm in love with Leggy-poo…" Faramir cut her off quickly

"…who is _like_ in love with someone else, right?" he questioned, perking an eyebrow.

"Like, no, me and leggy have like, no part in this love triangle. I mean like, rectangle. I mean like, octagon. I mean square…err… trapezoid. Like, whatever." She rolled her eyes as Eadocce came up to her and then slapped her.

"Like why are you burning Denethor?" Eadocce snapped.

" Cause like in the movie he like caught fire and like, ran off the cliff! And like he wouldn't die when I like told him to die! And like, its going to screw up the story!" She cried.

"Oh, like we have to push him off." Eadocce grabbed his coats as fire caught on her white dress, and Gwenel grabbed the other side of him, as she caught on fire, and they unceremoniously dragged Denethor to the ledge. Faramir was screaming against Gandalf who was trying to hold back Faramir and grab the girls, Pippin was running around screaming something about 'For Frodo!' and Aragorn and Eomer were running around trying to see if they could find a healer.

Denethor succumbed to the Sues and fell, or was pushed over the ledge. Then Gwenel turned an evil eye on Faramir and took out her bow and arrow. Chaos ensued again as she let the arrow loose and Aragorn dove for cover, and so did Eomer and Pippin brandished his sword and Gandalf again tried to hold Faramir back. It was really hysteria.

Faramir was shot in the calf, and fell to the ground.

Eadocce stepped closer to him, dusting off her robes and smiled, "Well now the storyline is like, somewhat close the way it was supposed to like, be."

Gwenel nodded, "Yes. Eowyn is injured like _she's_ supposed to be…"

"And Faramir is injured like _he's_ supposed to be…" Eadocce said

"And Denethor is dead like _he's_ supposed to be…" Gwenel smiled.

"And Frodo and Sam should be on their way to Mordor like _they_ are supposed to be…" Eadocce agreed.

"And all in the world is alright, like _it's _supposed to be." Gwenel sighed.

"So really, we're all men of our words, except for Elizabeth who's a woman." Eadocce laughed.

"Like yea!" Gwenel laughed.

Everyone stood up looking at the girls, as Faramir was dragged away, and Eowyn was carried away. Shock washed over them.

The girls pointed toward the throne room and smiled, they all convened there, all being Aragorn, Eadocce, Merry, Pippin, Legolas, Eomer, Gimli and Gwenel.

* * *

A/N: I enjoyed this chapter. Here's the disclaimer.

_**Disclaimer: This is for a non-for- profit website. Any references to Pirates of the Caribbean, Power Rangers, Snow White, The Matrix and the JRR Tolkien estate is solely for entertainment purposes. I make no money! Happy Reading!**_


	14. Arwen's Interlude, Mary Sue Dies

_Much love to the reviewers you guys are amazing. _

_I want to call this chapter...

* * *

_

**Arwen's Interlude**

The sues walked into the throne room and smiled wickedly, already knowing what was going to happen, but going through the motions anyway, so that all would be right in the world of Middle Earth.

"Frodo has passed from my sight. The darkness is deepening" Gandalf began, giving everyone the glum news.

Everyone remained quiet for a moment until Gwenel spoke up, "Yea, so Gorny is like, supposed to now say, if Sauron had the ring we would know."

Aragorn looked up perturbed from where he stood, "And how do you know I am _supposed_ to say that."

Eadocce slapped her hand to her head and sighed, "Like, we saw it in the MOVIE!" She rolled her eyes.

Gimli nodded, "Yes, the Move V. Well would you be so kind and tell us what I am supposed to say so that we can just get over it?"

Gwenel nodded happily, "Sure Gim-Gim! You are supposed to like say, 'Let him stay there! Let him rot! Why should we care?'" She clapped her hands together in glee and then was worried for a minute when everyone turned cold eyes on her.

"What?" She said

" '_Let him stay there? Let him rot? Why should we care?'_ Because he is the ring bearer! Because he will save middle earth! Do you forget that you too are here on this world and you too will succumb to great darkness if Sauron gets back the ring?" Gandalf shouted

Eadocce looked affronted, and then put on a diplomatic face and turned to Gandalf., "Gandalf, Gwenel spoke out of context, she like meant that Gimli would say that about, like Sauron. Duh, it like, couldn't be more obvious. She doesn't want anything to happen to like, Frodo, she's like got the hots for him too." At this statement Gwenel turned a deep shade of Pink, quite like her dress, and Legolas raised his hands to the sky.

"Vala, why have you decreed my heart be stolen by she who is unfaithful!" He called to the sky.

"Silence you love sick elf, it is time we think about matters at hand!" Gandalf shouted.

Then they all fell quiet. Then an array of things happened. Merry and Pippin burst into the room followed quickly by a hooded and cloaked figure. The figure turned to Aragorn and dropped its hood.

"ARWEN!" gasped Aragorn, Eadocce and Gwenel simultaneously.

"Aragorn…" She said. His eyes shone with a long forgotten love that he had once more found and he took a step closer to her. She looked deeply into his eyes and took another step closer to him. They continued in such fashion until Eadocce, feeling red hot anger jumped from her seat and rushed to Aragorn.

"Gorny! Like, she's going to put you under a spell!" She tugged his sleeve to no avail. When Aragorn finally took the Elf into his arms and kissed her Eadocce immediately stood in front of the two and stamped her feet wildly about and shrieked.

"This, like, isn't the way, like, this isn't how it's supposed to be! He's like, supposed to fall madly in love with like, ME!" Tears overtook the beautiful Eadocce her hair glimmering with fury her eyes flashing in pain. Gwenel stood to comfort her, and then furrowed her fair brow.

"Like, this _is_ the way it's supposed to be. Like, Gorny loves Arwen." She stated looking quite confused. She was answered with a hard slap across the face by Eadocce.

Eadocce shrieked back at her, "Just cause the movie doesn't show Legolas's lover doesn't mean he doesn't have one! Like, I hate you!" Eadocce continued her tirade as Aragorn broke his kiss with Arwen and the two started whispering furiously.

Then Arwen turned to Eadocce, who had a look of death in her eyes.

Arwen grabbed Eadocce as she shriek and tossed her out the window. Literally. Everyone in the room gasped and Aragorn ran to the window to see the girl falling. Gwenel grabbed Arwen and slapped her, drawing blood from Arwen's fair brow, and then Arwen unceremoniously grabbed Gwenel too and tossed her out the window.

Eadocce pulled her ring off and started praying to the peachy peach sailor moon god. A portal opened up under her and she fell through. Gwenel fell through the portal too and they both dropped quite ungracefully onto hard grey rock.

Legolas watched the whole ordeal along with Eomer from the window and Legolas turned a bit pale--er than he already was.

--

The girls sat huddled together on the ash that they were surrounded by and cried.

"I thought he loved me! WAHHHH!" Eadocce wailed.

"I can't believe she did that, to me! WAHHH!" Gwenel wailed.

Soon they were silenced as two figures approached them. When Gwenel looked harder, she saw it was Frodo and Sam.

"Like, ohmigosh, like Eadocce look its like Frodo!" Eadocce looked up from blowing her nose on her white dress and saw Sam and Frodo.

The two girls rushed over to the hobbits and pulled them into and embrace.

"Like hobbits, I didn't think you would like, make it!" Eadocce gasped.

Sam looked up at the two girls and nodded. "Begging your pardon Ms. Eadocce, neither did we, we got a little hungry back in Cirith Ungol and decided to eat Gollum. But shelob got to him first. Nothin' but skin and bones he was,so we ran for over lives, we didn't know if she would come after us." Sam explained.

"And like, did she?" Gwenel asked, looking at Eadocce.

"Yes, ma'am, but my old gaffer told me, he said, once your feet go hittin' that rock and you be getting yourself into danger, don't look back, just run!" Sam said sitting down.

"You two look, like, exhausted!" Eadocce said.

"No, not me. But Mr. Frodo here is having a hard time with the ring." He lowered his voice as he addressed the girls, "That thing is unnatural and we have to get it over with. We are close."

So the four started walking toward the mountain of fire. Gwenel and Eadocce hung back a little.

"Like, isn't it Gollum who takes the ring from Frodo in the like, end?" Gwenel asked.

"Yea, and like Frodo tries to take it back and like, pushes Gollum off." Eadocce says.

"So like, what are we going to do?" Gwenel asked.

"Like, we are going to have to take the ring from Frodo." Eadocce said.

"Oh! Can I like, be the creature Gollum?" Gwenel said, with a twinkle in her eye.

"Um, like yea, I'm not going to break a nail trying to be Gollum." Eadocce rolled her eyes.

Gwenel dropped to a crouch and started to run around on all fours, much like Gollum, and then she would stop sniff the air and cough, "Gwenel, Gwenel". She ran off and disappeared in the distance, and every now and then the trio could hear, "Gwenel, Gwenel" off in the distance.

"Why did Gwenel go and run off like that, Mr. Frodo?"

"I don't know Sam," Frodo answered, his voice coming slow and his footsteps slower.

Frodo then fell. He started to say something about the ring being too heavy but Eadocce silenced him and picked him up and started walking toward the mountain. They passed the spot where Gollum attacked them in the movie, Eadocce wondering all the while where Gwenel had gotten too.

"Like if I have to do this and break a nail, like, someone is going to pay to have it redone! Ohmigod!"

She waited a bit more and then dropped Frodo and jumped on him.

"Like, I wants the precious! Blah, blah, blah! Give us the Precious!" she said lamely.

Sam came over to her and put a hand on her shoulder, "Begging your Pardon Ms. Eadocce, but that wasn't a really convincing Gollum." She nodded, looking defeated and picked Frodo up.

When they finally reached the Bridge inside the Mountain and stood on top of the lava, Frodo put the ring on.

"The Ring is mine Sam!" he called.

"Mister Frodo NO!" Sam called back. And lo and behold, in ran Gwenel, on all fours with naught but a pinklion cloth and a bright pink bra.

"Filthy hobbites! You tooks it from us! We wants it! We wants the Precious! Gives it to us!" Gwenel jumped on Frodo, who toppled over and bit his finger. She then slipped the ring on her finger and started dancing.

"The Precious is mine! MINE!" she laughed.

Eadocce who had enough of it, then walked forward and looked at Gwenel "Like, throw it in the fire you half wit."

"The Precious is mine! Gwenel, Gwenel!" Gwenel jumped around. And Eadocce grabbed her by her tresses and tried to pull the ring away from her.

"Its Mine! The Precious is mine!" Then Gwenel shrieked, "You tries to takes it from us!" She jumped on Eadocce and bit her ear, in a blind rage Eadocce kicked Gwenel. Gwenel stumbled and fell of the ledge.

As she fell she stroked the Precious that was in her hand and shouted gleefully, "Mine! The precious is mine!" Then soon as the precious fell from her hand and landed in the lava, quickly followed by her, she started singing a different tune. "LOST! THE PRECIOUS IS LOST! OH! THE PRECIOUS!" and with that one Mary Sue died, and one Mary Sue saved Middle Earth.

The lava started to erupt so Eadocce grabbed Frodo and Sam and ran to the ledge. They lay there, talking of the Shire, and Orlando Bloom, of whom the hobbits would not believe was truly Legolas, and soon Gandalf came with the Eagles.

The Eagles took everyone to Gondor and it was there that Eadocce told everyone who Gwenel had gone mad and tried to take the ring from Frodo and who Eadocce saved the world.

Frodo sat off to the side looking quite angry talking to Merry, Pippin and Sam. "It makes no sense, they appear in Mordor and then after I have traveled all this way, and endured so much pain, she steals my glory in moments!" Sam put an understanding hand on Frodo's shoulder.

"It's alright Mister Frodo, at least we are rid of one of them. Now how to rid ourselves of the other!"

Everyone watched as the hobbits sat in a close circle and Arwen came over to them.

"Frodo, what ails you? Is it your shoulder?"

Frodo looked up and shook his head, "No, we plot to kill the Mary Sue." Arwen's eyes glittered as she sat in the circle as well, plotting her own revenge for the spell the Mary Sue had placed on Aragorn.

---

The wedding planned and the invitations sent out, everyone was to be there. It would be grand. Aragorn would be crowd king, Arwen would marry Aragorn, Eowyn would marry Faramir, and Mary Sue would die. It was the ceremony to be at. Of course, Mary Sue didn't know she was going to die. She simply thought she could steal Aragorn's heart once more and marry him in Arwen's stead. So there she sat, on her bed, plotting how to steal Aragorn, while in a very different end of the castle Celeborn, Galadriel, Aragorn, Haldir, Legolas, Gimli, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin and Gandalf sat plotting.

It was a ceremony to be at indeed.

* * *

A/N: And you better be at it, tomorrow! 


	15. Oh, My the Chaos!

_**Elfluver13- **Have no fear my dear Haldir will be appearing here! Thanks so much for reviewing… I look forward to your reviews!_

_**Sweetblonde13- **I hope I didn't disappoint you with that last chapter! I hope you enjoy this one._

_**All other Reviewers and Shadow Readers- **Thanks so much for reading, Please Review!

* * *

__here's a nice long one fer ya!_

_**CHAPTER WARNING:** Elves will be seduced, Men will be made fun of, lines will be distorted, Sues will die, and havoc will arise, if you are sensitive to laughing maniacally, then please, STOP NOW!

* * *

_

The White City was in for a treat, and in for a treat it was indeed. Haldir was walking down one of the hallways with a very satisfied grin on his face. He was very excited about the plan that they so ironically called _The Move V _and was on his way now to the kitchens to pull a few bottles of wine, miruvor, rum, ale, and malt beers to bring up to the coronation of King Elessar.

A silky hand reached out from a room a pulled him in. He gasped for the second before the door closed behind him and a bundle of white silk assaulted him. She stood on her tip-toes and pushed him against the door and bit her lower lip suggestively. He gasped as her Victoria Secret Love Spell scent assaulted his elven senses and she snaked her arms around his neck, pulling him into a deep kiss.

Haldir, his heart clutched with fear, tried fervently to push her away, but as he struggled she held tighter to his person. He was an elf, and could have easily flung her across the room, but being the gentle, well-bred elf that he was, he couldn't.

She sighed and looked into his eyes with a desire that frightened him down to the core.

"N-now you listen Mary Sue! You will stop these foolish advances on me! Now!" he ordered, putting his March Warden face on.

"Oh, snooky-poo! You like, look so cute when you're mad!" she giggled and then began to tug on his tunic. He gasped as she started to unbutton it, and his quick thinking saved him.

"Eadocce…" he began, his voice laced with fake desire. She murmured and looked up at him and smiled.

"Call me Mary… Like, Mary Sue." He nodded curtly.

"Listen, Mary Sue. I want you to get on that bed right now, and undress for me. I want to watch you do it. I will stand here, so… that… I… can get a better view. Yes, that's it; I will see you better from this vantage point." He blushed, sorta.

And she blushed… a lot. Then she snaked her hands around his neck and kissed him again. He had to struggle not to throw her down and smash her skull in with his boot, but then the witch had removed her hands and was running them up and down his leggings. He gasped at her boldness, and she blushed. He firmly placed a hand on her shoulder, turned her around and told her to go to the bed. She hesitated, as he inched his hand to the door knob and then she turned around.

He lost his wits for a moment and she noticed his hands on the door knob and anger flashed in her eyes. Haldir grabbed her and crushed his lips against hers, and kissed her long and deep. Then he picked her up and cringed as he undid the buttons on her dress and dropped her on the bed.

"Undress!" he commanded. As soon as she pulled the dress over her eyes he made for the door and bolted out of the room.

Fear seized his heart and made his legs heavy as he ran down the corridors to the kitchen, and a wave of sickness hit him. As he stormed into the kitchen he looked pale and Arwen turned, carrying more bottles of drink and looked at him.

"Haldir, what ails you?" She questioned as he grabbed his stomach keeled over and threw up. When he was finished Arwen stood in front of him, looking afraid for her friend.

"Haldir, Elves do not catch illness, have you forsaken your immortality?" She questioned concern lacing her voice.

He gasped a little, drawing in fresh air and then looked around him with fear in his eyes, then quickly shut the door and the windows and drew the blinds.

"Arwen! She is after me! She… tried to seduce me! With some Valar awful fragrance and I, I saw her… naked." Haldir's eyes grew wide as he shook. Arwen, who knew how poor Haldir felt, having heard the two times this girl was after him, rushed over to her friend and pulled him into a hug.

"It's alright my dear. It's almost over. It'll be only a few more hours my friend." Haldir put his head on Arwen's shoulder and nodded.

"Aye, if she does not fall by my sword first." He said.

"No Haldir, it cannot be so. She cannot be killed any craft we here possess, she will have to die the only way Mary Sues can die." Haldir looked Arwen in the eyes and then nodded.

"Alright, let me help with the drinks." He picked up two barrels of Malt Beer and pulled them up his shoulders. Arwen placed her hand on the door and then fear struck his heart once more. "Arwen! Please, look if it is clear, I do not wish to be pulled into any rooms." Arwen smiled and stuck her head out of the door looking both ways, and then turned nodding to her stricken friend.

--

Merry, Pippin, Sam and Frodo walked down the corridor holding heavy ropes and pulled them up to the main court yard where Aragorn was to be crowned. Legolas stood there waiting their arrival with his eyes shining.

As Gimli approached him Legolas smiled. "It will be good, to rid ourselves from this, Mary Sue." Legolas said as he folded his arms over his chest. Gimli looked up at him and smiled.

"Ah! Here come the hobbits!" Gimli called.

Frodo handed Legolas the end of the massive rope, to which Legolas tied one of his arrows. He aimed it at the far side wall, laughing. His aim was true and he smiled and the rope shot forward with the arrow. He then took the middle of the rope tied it to another arrow and shot it straight ahead of him. His eyes lit up as the arrow landed and the rope shot forth again.

Sam handed him the end of the rope and again Legolas tied it to an arrow and shot it but this time to the wall that was on his left. The hobbits, the Elf and the Dwarf looked at each other and grinned.

Altogether they said, "The Move V." And then they turned to walk into the halls of the White City.

--

Aragorn sat in the tub, relaxed his eyes closed, his mind going over what had happened over the last 13 months. It was really life changing. He would have never thought that this would have happened, though he had hoped for it.

Suddenly the door opened and quickly closed. Aragorn remained silent, eyes closed, seemingly unbothered by the intruder. In fact he thought it was Arwen when two silky hands snaked their way down his chest and two soft lips rained kisses down his neck. But the voice that spoke was not that soft, musical voice of Arwen, 'twas the nasal, crude voice of the Sue! And she hand her hands in places, which, well, aren't appropriate to mention in a K+ rated fanfic. But he didn't know that. Mary Sue did though.

"Gorny, I love you. We are madly in love, take me now!" She whispered.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY ----"

"_BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP_!" Mary Sue screamed.

"Sorry Gorny, this is like, a K+ rated fanfic, we have to like, keep the language suitable for children of all ages." She finished off.

He sank back into the water his legs now closed, and put his arm over his eyes, "Mary Sue, don't you love Haldir? I hear he is looking for a beautiful elleth to marry and take to Valinor with him, could you not occupy yourself with winning his affections?" He suggested.

"Haldir? Yes, but, like, not if I can have you Gorny." She whispered, biting his earlobe. He shuddered, remember the plan and then smiled.

"He told me he thought you were beautiful." Aragorn lied.

"Like, he did?" Mary Sue said, eyes wide.

"Yes." Aragorn said helpfully, his arm still over his eyes, and his legs still shut tightly.

"He was going to make love to me this morning, but he ran out. I like, don't know why. Do you like, happen to know where he got?" She asked sweetly.

"No."

"Ah. Well, then have a happy life for Arwen, but know this Aragorn son of Arathorn!" She stood up and turned to him, towering over the man in the tub, "Never shall I warm your bed if you bed that! That ELF WHORE!" And she stormed out.

Aragorn sank back in the tub and let his head slide under water. The door opened again and he groaned. This time two silky, pure white hands pulled him out from under the water and looked him in the eyes. He smiled.

"Arwen." He said as she smiled shyly.

"What where you doing with your head under water like that Estel?" She sang.

"Washing away the filth of Sauron." He smiled and she smiled, and then he pulled her into the tub, dress on and all and kissed her.

"You just ruined a very nice dress!" she said, and smiled.

"Well, now that it's ruined, maybe you can do away with it, we have some business to attend to…" He breathed into her ear as she giggled.

--Exit Stage Right—

Gandalf stood in the hall of the stewards looking at the throne that Denethor sat on not too long ago. Of course, he wasn't looking at the seat, more so the elf who was on the ground before him.

Haldir was throwing up again, from an escapade with Mary Sue again. "And then! She chased me into the broom closet! And Gandalf, my eyes! THEY BURN!" He threw up again, and sat down his head in his hands.

Celeborn walked up to Gandalf and put an arm over his shoulder. "Maybe Mithrandir we should have not used Haldir as bait. I am afraid my March Warden will be driven insane."

Galadriel glided over to Haldir and pulled him up into an embrace. "Haldir, all is not lost. Soon you will taste the freedom to which you rightfully deserve my beloved March Warden."

Haldir looked around as the room began to fill. Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Arwen, Elrond, Rumil, Orophin, the hobbits, Elrohir, Elladan and a few elleths filled in the walls of the Stewards room.

Legolas walked over to his friend and put an arm on his shoulder. "Fear not stout Commander of the Galadhrim. Soon." He said with a laugh in his eyes.

Gandalf turned around and raised his hands to silence everyone. Eowyn and Faramir rushed in looking disheveled and giggly. Eomer followed soon there after with a slight elf woman holding his arm. Gandalf perked an eyebrow at this and then turned once more to the room.

"Everyone has their lines, yes?" furious nods.

"Good, memorize them! Let us go now, we must crown the king!" Everyone left save for Gimli, Gandalf, Aragorn and Haldir.

Haldir was tip-toeing behind the throne, trying to sneak away. Gandalf caught him.

"HALDIR COMMANDER OF THE GALADHRIM!" he bellowed, and then in a nicer tone, "You have faced down orcs, wargs, urak-hai, and many a clingy elleth! Why do you now recoil from a girl who is but a child?" Haldir turned disbelieving eyes onto Gandalf.

"CHILD!" he moaned in agony, "Tell me Mithrandir, what kind of child touches and elf in such a… a… intimate way, in… in a BROOM CLOSET!" he shouted, shaking, as veins showed in the distraught elf's neck.

"SHE'S TRYING TO TAKE ME AGAINST MY WILL!"

"Haldir, you are bait." Aragorn said simply, "You agreed to do this." Haldir went white at this.

"Agreed!" he gasped, "MORE LIKE AN 'IF YOU DON'T DO THIS WE WILL CONVIENTLY FORGET TO TAKE YOU ON THE LAST GREY SHIP!' BAH!"

Aragorn stepped closer to him and put an arm around his shoulder. "Maybe you should take a few drinks, to calm your nerve a little. I hear the rum is fine." Haldir nodded and walked out mumbling something about the 'grace of the vala' and 'elves shouldn't have to deal with this' and 'I'd rather stab myself with an orc blade'. Aragorn shook his head.

"Poor Lad!" Gimli said, shaking his head.

--

Haldir stood at the table with drinks on it and put down his 12th glass of rum. He belched loud and then laughed.

"Elves aren't supposed to belch! But I did! NEHEHEHEH!" He was drunk, very drunk.

He went to pick up another glass but found it empty. He looked into the glass, lifting it upside down and looking into it and when nothing came out he threw it over his shoulder.

A few feet away Gandalf was placing the crown on top of Elessar's head, and the glass flew and hit Gandalf in the head. He looked to where the glass came from and saw a drunk Haldir staggering about the table. He shook his head and turned back to Elessar.

Giving up on the glasses Haldir picked up a bottle of rum and took a long swig. He turned around and staggered toward Elessar who was now talking, Haldir couldn't really hear him, he had something of this own to say.

As he walked to the clearing he stood in front of the King and smiled a lopsided, drunk grin.

"King! Elassah." Haldir said and bobbed his head around. "How manyah names doya hafta have?" Haldir threw his hands in the air and spilled some rum in his hair. He looked confused for a second and lowered his hands and looked up into the sky.

"Loosh like its raynan!" Haldir said as he swayed forward, then back. "Tell me! Elassah, Eshtel, AraGORNY! STA -RIDER!" He really never got to finish his sentence, poor Haldir.

Mary Sue flew out of the crowd like a warg after its prey. In that exact minute, several things happened. Haldir turned around, a look of shock on his face, and made to run. But first he took a swig of some rum, and fell over, tripping on his feet. Mary Sue dashed for Haldir but out of the crowd ran two little hobbits with a short elven rope in their hands.

"1, 2, 3 PULL!" yelled Frodo and they pulled the rope taut. Mary Sue fell face forward on top of Haldir.

He looked up, bewildered as she looking angry at the hobbits pulled the bottle of rum from his hands.

"Like, give me that! Like, you are a respectable Elf! What are you like, doing!" she yelled.

"Where's the RUM!" Haldir yelled.

"It's like, gone bye-bye!" she yelled back, "Now, come back to my room and finish what you started this morning!"

She was hoisted up by two sets of arms, one being Legolas the other being Gimli and the crowds disbursed into the city. Haldir was hoisted up by Eowyn and Arwen and they dragged him towards the steps. He shook his fist frantically and started shouting.

"GONE? BUT WHY'S THE RUM GONE!" He yelled. Arwen shushed him as Legolas and Gimli threw Mary Sue against the ropes they had fastened to the wall. She screamed.

Legolas looked at her and then backed away. The hobbits charged at her with the war cry, "SHIRE!" and they pounced on her.

"Get her Merry! Take her feet out from under her!" Pippin yelled as he bit her ear.

"Hit 'er harder Mister Frodo!" Yelled Sam as he smacked her across the head with a pan.

That when Gandalf joined the fun, "Mary Sue! Your hair had split ends!" And he waved his staff and Mary Sue shrieked.

"Like, NO! I use PANTENE PRO V!" She yelled as Legolas and Gimli charged next ripping her gown, but enough to keep her descent. Haldir wanted in on the action too, he stood up and staggered over to her looking very angry and when he got to her with a look of malice he stopped.

"I'll show you!" He yelled as he lowered his leggings.

"NO HALDIR!" came the shouts, but it was too late. Haldir threw his head back and began to pee, all over Mary Sue. She shrieked louder as the relieved himself with an "Ah, that was good." And then staggered away, to the horror of all.

Galadriel next stepped in and lifted the girl up in the air, now smelling of Haldir-Pee, and looked at her, "TELL ME MARY SUE! WHAT IS MY LINE FROM THE MOVE V?"

Mary Sue gasped in horror, "Like what are you doing here! Like you don't go to the coronation!"

Celeborn grabbed her from his wife and lifted her higher yet, "I'LL SHOW YOU TO CUT ME OFF WHEN I'M TALKING" as he slapped her.

Mary Sue screamed again. "LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE! AHHHHH!"

Haldir staggered back over to her and started to relieve himself again saying, "I am the MARCH WARDEN, and I HAVE TO PEE!" then he staggered away again. Aragorn looked at the amused elf, and laughed.

Mary Sue was reduced to tears. She begged everyone to stop attacking her, and most of all Haldir to stop relieving himself on her.

Laughter erupted as everyone began to point at Mary Sue and Arwen walked out of one of the corridors with a Mirror. She brought the Mirror up to Mary Sue and smiled, "Will you look?" Mary Sue nodded and walked up to the mirror.

"Mirror, Mirror in Arwen's Arms, tell me who is the fairest of them all?" Mary Sue asked, as Haldir sauntered over to her again. She started shrieking and running around trying to dodge the elf. But she tripped on Celeborn's foot and Haldir started relieving himself again.

She cried as she ran back to the mirror and then the mirror answered her. Well at least Mary Sue thought it answered her. In reality it was Arwen, who stood behind the Mirror.

"The Most Fairest of Them All… Is Galadriel Lady of Light!" The Mirror yelled. Mary Sue turned to Galadriel and then saw Haldir making his way over to her again. She shrieked so loud that the cry was heard all over Middle Earth. As Haldir closed the distance between him and Mary Sue she screamed and ran to the top of the wall. Haldir followed, and when he realized he couldn't aim that high he relieved himself by the wall, Mary Sue turned around and looked at everyone.

"Like, this is not over, I'LL BE BACK!" and she jumped. Everyone ran over to the wall to see Mary Sue crash into the ground and DIE! Then a portal opened around her and opened up sucking her in. Everyone let out a sigh of relief.

"It seems to me that the Mary Sues have returned to their distant lands, for I no longer see them on this plain." Elrond said, with much authority. And so the festivities began, 3 days for the coronation of the New King Elessar, and the Wedding of the King to the beautiful Arwen of Imladris.

* * *

A/N: This is the second to last chapter! Next chapter we will leave Middle Earth and Enter Earth to see how the Mary Sue's feel about their trip to M.E.

_**DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Lord of the Rings, I also do NOT own any concepts stolen from POTC, Snow White, Victoria's Secret, the Pink Panther, Pantene Pro V or the Terminator. I do however own all copyrights to the MOVE V, and the MOVE V MANUAVER... PLEASE ENJOY!**_


	16. Last Plans With Will Turner

**_To my dearest reviewers Elfluver13 and Phantom'sJediBandieGirl the two of you really got me through this story you are amazing! I love you! Like, totally. My next fan fic will be called Mary Sue's Letter in which Mary Sue writes a letter to the world of Fan Fic justifying herself. It should be up Monday-ish, Tuesday-ish. Thank You! And to all my other reviewers, your continued feedback is absolutely appreciated. I makes me sad that this is the last chapter, but I hope you all enjoyed it, and I hope that you read the next one!

* * *

_**

**--Wisconsin—**

Mary Sue Eadocce lay on her bed. Everything hurt her, she was in pain. She smelled somewhat like she had been urinated on but she couldn't really put her finger on it. She gasped as she tried to move her arm and then pain shot up threw her sides. She lay there in pain as everything came back to her.

She jumped up and ran to her computer screen and sat down at her desk. She moved the mouse a little bit and patiently waited for her screen to change from black to the sign up screen. Quickly she entered her password on her screen name: HALDIRLUVME and quickly scanned her buddy list. Instantly Mary Sue Gwenel had IM-ed her. The screen name LEGGYLVR17 sent her a message.

_Leggylvr17: omg Eadocce lyke is dat you?_

_Haldirluvme: omg Gwenel?_

_Leggylvr17: lyke wen did you come bak?_

_Haldirluvme: I just woke up, an' waz lyke in mah bed._

_Leggylvr17: omg, did one of da characters com wit you?_

_Haldirluvme: those hoes_

_Leggylvr17: wat?_

_Haldirluvme: dey lyke, beat me._

_Leggylvr17: lyke you wanna meet sumwhere?_

_Haldirluvme: yea, da coffee shop._

_Leggylvr17: lol, aight yo. Bye._

Haldirluvme: K.

--

They both walked to Starbucks and sat down in the back of the shop. They looked at each other as they put their lattes down and their purses and bent there heads together.

"Like, I didn't even know you until we got to like, Middle Earth." Mary Sue Eadocce said. Gwenel agreed.

"Like if we hadn't exchanged like screen names we like, wouldn't have known we like lived in the same town!" Mary Sue Gwenel chirped.

"Are we still going to like, use our Middle Earth names?" Mary Sue Eadocce asked

"Like, yea, I like them." Gwenel answered quietly. "Tell me what, like, happened." She said as she put her hand on Eadocce's arm.

Eadocce started her story, stopping only to cry a bit, and then finished off disguisedly, "And then, he like, tried to pee on me again!" She broke into sobs again.

Gwenel was hysterical. She laughed so hard she pushed her purse and latte off the table. Eadocce looked offended and cried again.

"Like, it's okay Eadocce, like, Haldir loves me, like, and that's why he did that!" She gasped for air as she let out another peel of laughter.

"No, he like, tried to seduce me, he like told me to take my dress off!" Eadocce sobbed.

Eadocce took a sip of her latte and sighed. "You know, like, if Arwen didn't like come into the picture when she did, I like, would be the queen on Gondor!"

"And I, my sister Sue would live in lauralindo—laura lindalake, laura lindalay..err, lothlorien with Haldir and then when I get bored with him I'd go over to Eryn Las—Eryn Las err… Mirkwood and spend time with Legolas." Gwenel sighed.

"You know, I always wondered like what kind of creature would like, shag Gimli." Eadocce said with a smile on her face.

"Like yea! '_it's the dwarves that go swimming with little hairy women!'_ omg like, eww!" Gwenel giggled.

"But those, like, Lord of the Ring people where like really dumb!" Eadocce said her eyes growing wide.

"Omg, like yea! Like Pippin, like for someone so small, you really can't be any, like dumber. Like for real." Gwenel said, slapping her forehead.

"And like, Merry, like for real, now!" Eadocce said laughing.

"But still, like Gorny and Leggy and Haldy-poo should be like, ours." Gwenel pouted.

"Like, yea." Eadocce agreed.

"But like, I guess we could try to end up in like, Pirates of the Caribbean, like, Jack Sparrow is funny. And like omg, Will Turner is sexy." Gwenel said.

"Like yea! Omg---"

"Like no! Turner is like, mine!" Gwenel shouted.

"Like, no, you got leggy this time, I get orli next time.. duh." Eadocce countered.

"I like, guess…."

And so the camera zoomed away from the sues as they plotted to fall into Pirates of the Caribbean and kill off Elizabeth and marry Will Turner.

* * *

A/N: And that folks is yet another tale to be told. I hope you all enjoyed it, please look for the next Sue-r coming to a theatre near you, on monday! 


End file.
